(Photo above: Not long after Felix was born. Three sweethearts).
*
Well well well. In the recent paper “Bed-Sharing When Parents Do Not Smoke” (an overview or aggregate study of sorts, I believe), Bob Carpenter concludes that it is dangerous for mothers and parents to co-sleep (in the same bed) with their babies until the child reaches 3 months of age. Another old white guy instructing me to go against biology, against my intuition, against what my babies clearly need, against attachment, against connection, and to outsource my mothering to a large plastic object that I can buy at ToysRUs for $300 (the crib).
*
I find the study utterly preposterous, and verging on the insane; a mockery of humanity. I cannot even believe that this kind of anti-mother, upside-down, opposite day whackness is given any credence in the media. I heard Bob Carpenter (the author of the “study”) being interviewed on CBC radio a couple of days ago. His pompous, patronizing, paternalistic attitude was excruciating, and laughable–except for the fact that he was actually being given serious voice on a national broadcast.
*
I won’t go into an attempt at analyzing the many ways in which the study fails to take into account confounding variables and pertinent specifics in detail, (drug use, prior health of the infant, birth experience and whether or not the baby was subjected to a high degree of interventions, parent intention, etc.). Others can do that much better than I, but mostly I don’t even really care to dignify this idiotic study with even the pretence of seriousness. I applaud those who have really gone into depth refuting the study, but I just can’t be bothered to scurry around defending a “practice” that is simply, in my view, an obvious and normal and evolutionary part of being a loving parent. I don’t doubt whatsoever that the study is seriously flawed. And I also strongly believe that there is no safer way to care for my children, from infancy onward, than the family bed.
*
The biological design of birth, attachment and breastfeeding lead quite obviously, to bed-sharing, in my view. In fact, I find it difficult to imagine that a mother who has received the full benefit of oxytocin, endorphins, prolactin, among the essential and magical birth hormones, who is high on adoration and that physical and psychic compulsion to be in close proximity with her baby, would even be able *not* to sleep next to her child to through the night. For me, during the first 6 months (and especially the first 3) it is an absolute imperative, on a cellular level, for my babies to be on my body 24 hours a day. For many people, this may be a major leap, but I suspect that in large part, the North American epidemic of babies being separated from their mothers and isolated in large open cages has much to do with the many rifts in normal attachment that occur during birth process, which sets the cultural stage for a parenting style that is really unique to our time in its cognitive and biological dissonance.
*
The mother-baby dyad is a symbiotic relationship. How on earth does one even go about breastfeeding a child if the expectation is that the mother is going to wake herself up every few hours to go and sit in a chair to nurse? The very idea is preposterous, and a recipe for bottle-feeding, which goes along quite nicely with sleeping in a crib, playing in a playpen, and travelling in a chair with wheels. Putting one’s baby in a crib to sleep also tends, I should think, to engender the use of disposable diapers. Not only am I nursing Felix constantly through the night (while in a dream-state: aware that he is there, yet still asleep and restful), but the *very moment* he pees in his cloth diaper, I roll over and change him–because he lets me know with a little grunt, because, (and I am making another assumption here), he doesn’t find it comfortable to have wet, cold cloth strapped to his body. Then again I hear that companies make diapers now that stay dry for *hours*, so we can just let our babies sit in their excrement all night long–easy peasy!
*
The baby who sleeps in the crook of his mother’s arm, is constantly nursing, constantly safe, constantly responding to his mother’s body, constantly being responded to. The mother who sleeps with her baby at her breast is constantly rested, constantly loved, constantly connected, constantly making milk.
*
I suspect that isolating babies from their mother may well have even greater negative consequences for the emotional and psychological development of a child that far outweigh the so-called potential “risk” of dying from SIDS (the causes of which are still, for the most part, totally unknown when it comes down to individual cases) while being cared for in the normal mammalian fashion. And considering that North America boasts the highest rates of SIDS in the developed world (much lower than countries in which bed-sharing is the norm, such as Japan, for example) I read shit like “Bed-Sharing When Parents Do Not Smoke” and I just shake my head.
*
Please, don’t get me wrong. I fully support the differing choices that parents make. While I can’t relate to putting infants to sleep in a crib, if it works for you, if it feels good, if it gives you what you need, then great.
*
But I’m getting really sick and tired of aging men, and sanctimonious professionals who leverage their academic accreditation and inflated egos to presume to tell me that it is somehow incorrect, or dangerous, to parent in a human way.
*
I really hate to perpetuate our obsession with professionalism, especially in the area of parenting (we are all professionals in our families, thanks very much), but for those of who who are interested in a more academic defense of co-sleeping from my side, Dr. James McKenna is pretty good.
Although I live on the other side of the globe and have much less experience in my life than you do, I just L O V E almost every post of yours! For the lack of my english I wont’t expand too much, but.. keep on spreading these beautiful thoughts and photos 🙂 Best wishes to your family!
How very kind of you, Leva! Thank you so much, and take good care.
It is the title of that study that gives me pause “Bed sharing when parents do not smoke”; am I to understand that if parents smoke it is acceptable to bedshare? Such malarky!
Hi Valerie, The study “Bed Sharing When Parents do Not Smoke” is in fact an attempt by this particular researcher to debunk previous studies that have shown very clearly that bed-sharing is safe, or safer than isolation-sleeping, IF the parents don’t smoke. …In any case, this more recent study has garnered much criticism, although unfortunately also some credence in conventional circles (and amongst those who already disapprove of bed-sharing on bizarre moral grounds). Anyway. Lots to think about!
Excellent post, Yo. It has been an absolute must for me to have my baby close ever since he was born, and due to so many misconceptions entrench in my family&friends, I had to “fight” for it, it seemed like nobody understood what kind of emotions the mother goes through while her baby is taken away from her; literally, I was angry, anxious, jealous and empty, not feeling any peace at all, while I was told to “rest” and “relax” from my son…It was so wrong to me! I have never been tired of him, I fall in love with my son over and over again! now my son is almost 1 year and I still carry him around everywhere or walk with him discovering the world, because he never wants to loose my hand…
I was wondering how come you are able to do so much and being with your children so close at the same time. As for me and my son it is really difficult- he cries when I am not paying him 100% attention. It is impossible for me to study, write, cook whatever and him exploring and playing on his own, even if by me side. He has never liked to be on his back, or sited or on his tummy (forget the crawling), just likes to be in my arms or in vertical position, walking with me by his side. He is very desperate, sensible and lovable, kind but lacks confidence and assurance that I will always be close to him, never leave him alone, always tell him I am going to be back and where am I going… Haven’t I given him that safety? What have I done wrong? I think it’s clear that it is not about my convenience, it is about my baby to be able to trust…
Should I look for the answer in my pregnancy with him and his birth?
Hi Faustyna,
I would like to reply to this message more thoroughly in an upcoming post, if that is ok with you. However, I want to say, very importantly, that the first thing you must do is take a breath and acknowledge what a wonderful loving mother you are, and know that you have done *nothing* wrong at all, from what I am hearing.
I do have some specific ideas that might help to strengthen attachment, which could, paradoxically open things up a bit for you and your beautiful son. I will post this in the next few days.
Warmly,
yolande
Thank you for your uplifting reply, Yolande, I really look forward your post about this subject. Your response was already so empowering to me, thank you. Right now though, I would like to send you my blessings and wish you all strength and peace. I follow you on facebook, and noticed your posts today, I wish I could help you and your family so much right now! My prayers are with you.
Co sleeping saved my 2 youngest sisters lives. They both were born with sleep amnea and would have been Cot Deaths were it not for my mum and dad co sleeping with them and my mums natural instinct to wake up when they stopped breathing. Repeatedly she woke to blue babies, blue in their mouth and they gasped and turned peachy perfect again. These studies being anti-Co-Sleeping are and will KILL babies not save them. The only seemingly sensible thing to be said for most of these studies is not to drink alcohol and then co-sleep…but i mean…if your BREASTFEEDING then you wouldnt be drinking alcohol would you?! xXx
Such an amazing story, Rebekah. What your sisters experienced is absolutely in line with why I believe bed-sharing is so important. Thank you so much for sharing this…Hugs, Yo
Hey Yolanda,
I think that your major problem with this study is the attitude from so called professionels. I take many studies not even valuebel anymore. Why? Because many so called professionels and institutes are being funded with money from big compenies. Like Nestlé and consorts.
They claim that there funding studies has no effect on the outcome of the studies. But nobody in his right mind will bite the hand that feeds him, does he?
And all these professionels doing big studies, who takes care of there children?
I don’t take advice from people who spend there lives doing studies in stead of caring for there children. These grey old men come from a generation that in the best case, kiss there children goodnight when they come home a night. Thats it! Sidds is a diffecult thing to understand. And I understand the frustration that a lovely thiny baby dieing with out a cause is devistating.
Even babies in cribbs have sidds. Thats nature telling those professionals that the don’t have a clue what they are talking about! 😉