I get a lot of questions from parents wondering about sleep: how to get the kids to sleep, how and when to transition from the family bed (Felix sleeps next to me, of course. Horus and Treva, for the most part, sleep in their bunk beds, but are always welcome to visit us). I think the answers to these questions are very personal. But I also think that in general, going to sleep *must* be calm, and joyful, and without pressure or stress or lonely tears. Night-time rituals are important.
Things sometimes go awry, of course. There are deep discussions as to whether or not the teeth should be brushed on this particular evening. And sometimes we decide that kicking our little sister is a really good idea. But we can usually get back on track. Our ideal good-night involves one big long cuddle, with several stories, culminating with one of our definitive before-sleep books. Our current favourite is Kay Chorao’s “The Baby’s Bedtime Book”, which all 3 kids adore, and which is full of classic poetry, and lullabies which yes, I do sing. Please sing to your babies before bed, because singing our lullabies is a special kind of medicine and we all need the memory of our mother’s tired imperfect voices in our heads before we sleep, don’t we?
After the books and before the songs, we talk about our day: the good, the tough, the sweet and savoury. Remember this part? Weren’t the dogs funny? And that rock you found on our walk. What a beautiful rock that was. Yes. I remember.
It is comforting to parse the day, but also useful: I want to help to teach my children to reflect, and to make their own narrative of their lives–to centre themselves with agency and authenticity within their story, without self-consciousness or performance, or an excess of ego. And (funnily enough) I think this is especially important in our age of performance, performance anxiety, Facebook and yes, blogs. I am just a witness and a gentle facilitator. How did that feel? What do you think we could do about that next time?
Then we have a little prayer: sometimes Rumi, other times St. Francis. They like one particular Apache prayer quite a bit. Then as they are drifting off, I feed them the mantra, softly: Horus, I love you. Dad loves you. Treva loves you, Gramy loves you. Little Treva. I love you. Dad loves you. And then for Felix too, and on and on until they sleep. You are good. You are loved.
Sleep my child and peace attend thee, all through the night. What are some of your favourites ways to facilitate falling asleep?
Gee, I want you to come put me to bed. That sounds lovely!
Night night Ebony! Sweet dreams! Love you! (I do, and I want to pop in on you guys sometime soon…xo)
Great post Yo! The best way for me to get Joy to sleep, is to give her a massage.
The best time is right after the bath and stories. She asks me for one :). With almond oil and a hint of lavender oil under her feet, shes usually goes to sleep easily. And then she wakes up in the middle of the night and she comes in our bed to cuddle with us :D.
I love reading your posts about your little ones. I am at such a different stage in life with my daughter, and your posts bring back warm memories. Gerry and I read to Wesley every night of her life until she was old enough to want to read by herself. Even then sometimes we laid down with her and read to each other. Each night after bath time we picked out a couple of books, got in bed and read. Some nights we would make up stories and tell them to each other. Sometimes we would just listen to gentle music. Maybe that’s why she is a storyteller now. I do know that she has a tremendous love of words, I have never known anyone that loved words so fiercely.
About your previous posts on the medical side, don’t get me started! I will say that I very rarely took Wes to the doc, much to the dismay of all of my neighbors who took their kids to the doc all the time. Those kids were always getting sick, mine was never sick, maybe a cold that she caught from other kids, but that was it. She played in the dirt, ran out in the cold without hat and coat, sometime barefoot, and she was well. I have had three prescriptions filled for her since she was born, on for an ear infection, one for a sinus infection, and one for a really bad sore throat, That’s it. We find natural remedies as much as we can, and they work 99% of the time. I sometimes think we doctor our kids way too much in this society. Anyway, I could write pages on this, I’ll stop now! Love your blog!!!
xo
ps: I never got around to commenting on your home schooling post. Wesley and I worked on her writing and reading starting when she was two years old and by the time she went to school she was so far ahead of the other kids. One thing that she really loved was her chalk board. I got some chalk board paint at the hardware store and painted one wall in her room, got a bunch of fun colored chalks and she had a place to draw and write and it was ok to draw on the walls, which all kids seem to want to do.
Hi Tracey! I read recently that being surrounded by books–their physical presence–actually changes the structure of children’s brains and makes them smarter…I can’t wait to read Wesley’s book, or watch her films. Chalk board wall is such a great idea! And I’m super-jealous of your loom. All weavers are a little bit crazy, and potters are *definitely* nuts. xo
oh this is so sweet, Mai-Li! Joy is so beautiful, and you guys are doing such an amazing job parenting that little sweetheart. Love to you all.
This is definitely beautiful and I do some similar rituals in the evening. Sleep is about communication, about being calm and leaving hurries behind. Many of us just try to put the kids to bed, so they can endulge in some time on their own. I believe children do perceive this hurry and will to leave them aside and THAT is the reason for having sleep problems and fuss at that time of the day!
If we stop following sleep methods and stop going crazy about having our child asleep before a certain hour or within a certain amount of time, I believe, we will no more have sleep problems when it comes to kids.
xx
Hello Elena,
I’m so sorry I didn’t find your comment until now! I have a bit of a backlog going on at the moment. Oh dear! I agree *completely* with what you have written here. There are so many areas of modern life that would be remedied by just…being calm, and patient. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yolande
Im nearlly 25, and of the now-very-few really clear memories that I still possess of being very little, the musical and book ones are the clearest…. sitting on the edge of a pool table with van morrison moon dance playing, waking up on a happy mum morning to wedges of hotty-butty-toastey and The Singing Detective soundtrack playing in the background (”Give me land lots of land over starry skies above, dooooont fence me in!”), my mothers beautiful jazzy sleepytime rendition of billy holiday’s ‘summertime’ where she sings ”your mama’s rich and your daddy’s good looking” instead because it keeps the feminist in her happy(!), reading six dinner sid over and over and over, and listing to Roald Dahl story tapes in my little Sony red casette player that my sisters now listen to 20 odd years on. These memories wont fade, they’re the ones I cherish. I love your bedtime ritual, and I love that my 11 year old sister has JUST moved into her own room properly now (and only because she wants to stay up later 😉 )
So wonderful,
much love to you
Bex
Hmm…You took me there, Bex! I have fantastic memories of Moondance, also, and Roald Dahl, and cassette players…Everyone needs cuddles–2 year olds, 11 year olds, Me. you know. Love to you, too!