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(Above: a sculpture by the Northwest Coast First Nations people, depicting woman. –I think this is a Coast Salish sculpture? Please correct me if you know for sure).
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One of the most irritating, and frankly, disturbing things about having shared Felix’s birth video, is the number of letters I received *from women*, that go as follows: “I just watched your son’s birth video, and, WOW—Your husband is *amazing*. I can’t believe how calm, and helpful, and wonderful he was! He really knew what to do, he is so skilled! Etc.”
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Lee’s a great guy. But let’s be clear: his contribution to my giving birth to Felix (and to the other ones) consisted of sitting for a while, wiping my bum, and that’s about it. I guess it isn’t news to me that this is the extent of what men have to perform, in order to get cookies from this culture (he wiped your ass!!! true love!! No.) On the other hand, I’m also not terribly interested in hearing about how miraculous or amazing my ability is, to push a baby out of my vagina. Birth is straightforward. It’s also exceptional, and gorgeous, but that has zero to do with me personally. In any case, I had quite a bit more to do with the birthing process than Lee did. He would also be the first to acknowledge this—and *that’s* pretty incredible, considering the male entitlement that permeates every aspect of society.
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I couldn’t care less about what kind of birth support other women choose for themselves. Women give birth in hospitals with male doctors all the time, and while it boggles my mind, I believe *very* strongly in everyone doing what’s right for them. But males don’t get pregnant spontaneously, nor can they birth physiologically, and despite the incredible and disconcerting ways that science allows for the modification of our bodies, I am confident that men will never experience normal birth. Males also know nothing about what it feels like to have a uterus that cramps and bleeds, and men know nothing about the vulnerabilities of being female, including both the possibility of becoming pregnant, or of having to deal with infertility. Of course, having a uterus doesn’t make a woman, and having periods doesn’t make a woman, and being pregnant and giving birth don’t make a woman either. A small number of women don’t experience any of these. But everyone who does experience this is female. And right now, I’m talking about birth: the purview, entirely, of women.
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Men are socialized in this culture, into certain ways of being, perceiving, relating and behaving in the world. This includes the messaging they receive that they are stronger, more rational, more capable, less emotional, and more authoritative than women. A central aspect of this socialization involves viewing the female body as a commodity, and an object, and as sexually available. The prevalence of pornography, and the increasing social acceptability of purchasing women’s bodies for sex, means that it is highly possible (if not likely) that the male nurse or obstetrician who has just come on shift, is gazing at a birthing woman’s vagina after jerking off to a the video evidence of a pregnancy gang-bang (oh yes, such a thing exists, in our happy sex-positive world). Or perhaps the individuals who, several times every single week, search for, and find, my blog based on terms like “hot c**t gives birth*, or “birth porn” are obgyns, or male doulas. Who knows? What I do know, is that there have been enough (almost all male) doctors, teachers, daycare workers, and police officers who have been prosecuted for indulging in pornography, pedophilia, and other crimes that are facilitated by their position of authority and trust as “professionals”. Not for me, thanks. I will continue to ensure that I limit my opportunities for interacting with these monsters, and the simplest way for me to do that, is to honour both my intuition, and the sheer, bald-faced numbers, by staying well away from men in positions of physical and medical power over me and my children. Is it all men who do these terrible things? Certainly not. Is it mostly men among those who do? Yes.
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Giving birth is the culmination of sexual intercourse. The vast (vast vast) majority of babies are made because of sex. That’s how all of my babies are made, anyway, and I think this matters. I’m not interested in having any man near my vulva, or my vagina, or in proximity to my anus, anytime, but especially not while I’m engaged in the completion of what for me is the full cycle of my sexuality. Birth, for me, is not necessarily orgasmic (although it is for many women), but it is certainly related to sexuality, and as such, is a private act (for me!).
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In fact, I am ambivalent about the presence of my own husband during the birth process. I have conceded to him being there, but he certainly doesn’t have a right to attend, and I’m glad he understands this.
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It might not be my first choice to hire a woman to attend me during birth, who has never given birth herself, either. That said, some of the best and most compassionate birth attendants I know, have yet to give birth, and may never do so. Nonetheless, I do think that being female gives women the commonality of our biology, which accrues to us, in many ways (but certainly not all), a shared material reality of embodiment.
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There have been several stories lately about “male midwives” and a dude doula somewhere or other (is he in Canada?), which I have done my level best to ignore. I don’t court controversy, and I actually spend a heck of a lot of time trying to keep my mouth shut. But I’m especially discombobulated by this trend, because it is primarily women who are so enthusiastic about these bros who have the unbelievable, excruciating audacity to not only believe that they know even a *thing* about birth, but to actually go out and advertise themselves as qualified to support women through the process in a substantial way.
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The fact that any man would actually presume to be equipped to offer anything of any substance or benefit to a woman during the birth process, to the degree that they would actually seek out training to become a birth attendant, is, in and of itself, a massive red-flag for me, signifying exactly the kind of arrogance and entitlement that constitutes the essence of male privilege. In fact, I am highly skeptical of *anyone* (male or female) who specifically seeks out training or education in birth-work, without being chosen organically by the women in their physical community.
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I don’t have any illusions about midwifery. While midwives and witches were burned at the stake a couple of hundred years ago, contemporary patriarchy has done one better: they have appropriated midwifery, masculinized it, medicalized it, ripped out its heart, its philosophy, its authenticity, and sold it back to women, who, as traumatized as we are by obstetrics, and by misogyny in general, lap it all up, unable to see it for the insidious mockery of birth, womanhood and humanity that it is. In the meantime, independent birth workers are being persecuted and prosecuted, and all but stamped out, around the globe, because of course, we’re dangerous.
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So it’s not surprising that power tools like John Fasset exist, and that they are encouraged to pontificate for slavering, politically correct articles like this one. In an interview that drips with the most foetid and arresting form of vanity and egotism, the article opens with a description of Fasset, a “male midwife”, taking a flight during which he “ended up helping the nervous new mother next to him to breastfeed successfully. ’20 minutes into the flight, and she was still trying to get the baby to latch on, and I finally couldn’t take it anymore,” Fasset says. Excuse me Mr. Fasset…*you* couldn’t take it anymore? So you approached her to give her *instructions*? And, *poof*, you fix her with his male-midwife magic=success!! Maybe she was grateful. Maybe she took to you right away. Maybe it didn’t cross her mind how incredibly creepy it is for an old white guy to be leaning over in the airplane, to explain to a new mother how to nurse her baby. And yet, maybe she submitted to your presumtuous, arrogant meddling because you’re a 55 year old white man, and *women are intimidated by men*. Women are afraid of men. Woman often *pretend* to be grateful to men, to tolerate men, *because we’re afraid of you* and because if we smile and nod, you might just leave us alone more quickly. Some of us don’t like you. And some of us don’t want or need your help. This is a man who talks about “overseeing” hundreds of “deliveries” per year. I have come to the understanding that there are women who want to be “overseen”, and “delivered”, and again, this is legitimate. But mark my words, no man is ever, *ever* going to “oversee” me doing anything with my uterus or vagina, or my breasts, thanks very much.
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Fasset goes on to suggest with shocking nerve, that he experienced so-called “discrimination” during his training, but that this gave him a “good dose of what women go through trying to be in a profession where it’s mostly male dominated”. Really John? As though it’s not enough for men to run the entire world, to control the political systems and economic systems, judicial systems, and pretty much *everything*. Now you need birth too, lest you feel “discriminated against?” It’s laughable John, really. I highly doubt that you experienced anything close to the intimidation, threats to your person, sexual assault, crushing pressure of societal disapproval, and lower wages–as women *actually* do, when seeking employment that is “gendered” due to misogyny, rather than “gendered” for the completely understandable and humane reasons that birth work is “gendered”. Instead, like most men—including those who are doing traditionally female work that *does* actually have some legitimacy done by men– I tend to think that as this article confirms, Fasset has probably been lauded throughout his illustrious “career” for, as the article hilariously proclaims, “closing the gender gap” when it comes to birth-work. But the thing is, there is a “gender-gap” in birth for a reason: only women give birth. Men know nothing about it. (See above.) The article scorns and dismisses the notion of the “experienced, maternal types who guide their [sister] women through birth” as though the “historically female” nature of birth-work, or midwifery, is some kind of social construct, or a fluke, or a product of, *cough* misandry, rather than a reflection of the realities of women’s lives. Experienced women who have had babies of their own are generally midwives, *because we know what we’re talking about.* We have been there. We actually understand.
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A photograph adcompanying the article shows Fasset with an expression of saintliness, holding a hatted newborn (which any self-respecting “midwife” or birth attendant knows is not only unnecessary but potentially dangerous), wrapped up like a football, far from it’s mother (the only place a newborn should *ever* be). Fasset is gazing into the newborn’s face, as though he is performing some sort of benediction. In the background of the image, lies what we might assume to be the mother, supine and passive, with only her bare legs shown, disjointed and forlorn. Below the photo, Fasset is quoted as saying “Midwifery is this amazing process where you get to see the baby grow, and you get to participate in the whole growth process, and then you get to be in the room and watch this magnificent miracle occur. That’s what it is for me. It’s a calling.” Excuse my language, but what in the actual *F**K*. This old white man, like all the self-aggrandizing obstetricians who have come before him, blatantly centres his own experience in this sick-making description of industrial birth. “I get to” do this, “I get to do” that. Birth is about mothers and babies. Birth is about women. “I loved it” Fasset says, about his obstetric training. What part in particular, did you love, sir? Birth is not an entertainment. Women are not entertainment.
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He talks about joining the navy after his nursing school stint, and my stomach turned, to read that he was immediately put on the maternity ward, where he “did about 150 *deliveries* a month” (emphasis mine). Those poor poor women.
Fasset goes on to cry about his attempt to break into midwifery as “hard. My very first day…I’m hearing about everybody’s issues about men, and it was overwhelming for me. They made it feel like I shouldn’t have the position I had. …I’d done my time at the bedside.” Overwhelming for him to hear about everyone’s “issues” with men. And yet, he apparently is “told over and over that [he gives] the male partner a sense of being at ease during the process”. Ah. As long as the male partner is at ease. When I read that Fasset is “so comfortable with what [he does] that [he doesn’t] even think it’s unusual”, I am appalled. I’ve seen many births at this point in my life, and frankly, each birth is exceptional. Each mother is a person. Each mother is a woman that I love. Don’t get too comfortable, John.
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Then again, maybe Fasset isn’t a bad guy. Maybe I’m being too hard on him– judging him way too harshly. Heck, maybe I’m a had-nosed bitch. Maybe he does a great job of supporting women as the complete authority of their birth experiences. Maybe he actually does uphold women’s inalienable right to complete bodily autonomy during the birth process and otherwise. But judging by the words he himself uses to describe his approach to birth, I can’t imagine that this could possibly be the case. His tone throughout is smug, paternalistic, condescending, and authoritarian.
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Again, it is entirely a woman’s right to hire this guy, or any other dudebro out there who feels that birth, by some twist of bizarre fate (or entitlement), is his “calling”. And while I can’t relate, I do support her choice. But it’ll be a cold day in hell before John Fasset, or any of his ilk come near me, my naked body, or my newborn with his white coat, his doppler or his speculum. My body is my Self, and this self is highly, proudly, exclusionary: doctors, strange men, agents of the birth-industrial machine are not permitted entry. Not to my birth-room, not in my presence, not to my body. NO.
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Thank you for this. People who get abused routinely (like women) are probably always scarred, and one of our most common scars is the inability to determine or maintain appropriate boundaries, the inability to say or even think “no WAY!” when that is the healthy way to respond. I’m so thankful that you do not have that problem, and that you are speaking up to help those who do.
Thank you Holly! I have a much easier time expressing my ideal boundaries, in words, than I do maintaining my boundaries in real life, unfortunately–this is one of the reasons I birth at home: I’m just as subject to feeling intimidated as so many other women. Getting better at it, as I get older though 😉 All the best, Yo
So good Yo! I will have to read the article about this medmanwife. i agree with you, I do not want a man at my birth and I don’t even want any women there that practice they way they have been taught in university( by men or women acting like men) Birth should be attended by women who have been specifically chosen by the mother. This whole idea that the father has some sort of say or that his level of comfort even matters, is such utter bullshit. Thanks for writing about lee and how perfect he is when YOU give birth!
Ha! Hi Nat. Love you always, despite your illusions about Lee’s supposed perfection…oh, I’m kidding. He’s as perfect as he could ever be! 😉 We get what we need, right? xoxoxo
I am Yolande’s mother. I don’t comment. I think that is sensible. However, they, Yolande, Lee, Horus, Treva, Felix, and Cosmo are all here in Vancouver, staying in my basement suite, so I feel more connected. This makes me feel proud Yolande.
Hi Mum!!!!! I love you, and I miss you. Thanks for always being supportive of me, always. xoxoxoxoxoxox
Yes, yes, YES!! Thank you for writing this. I found myself utterly dumbfounded by even the *birth community’s drooling praise of this man who came off sounding like little more than a self-righteous, privileged, sexist prick to me. Gross. You hit all the right points, and I really appreciate your voice. Goddess bless Gloria Lemay for bringing your writing into my field of vision.
*Said community also eats its own young and cries, “Witch!” when imagined territory or the fragile ego is threatened so maybe I should lower my own expectations…
Ugh, you’re so right about the birth community Amanda. I love hearing from women like you, who get it. Take good care of yourself, and all the best. xo
thanks for writing this. your understanding of the issues at hand always leave me a few steps behind and I am so grateful that you write about these things. I am wondering about one thing. when you said that you would be highly skeptical of any person male or female that sought out becoming trained in birth work. I’m a little confused about this. could you elaborate?
Hi Terry,
I think I probably should have expatiated on that idea a little bit more in my piece–I am definitely highly skeptical of any male person who would seek to be a birth-worker…and when what I meant when talking about *anyone* who seeks to be trained, is more that in my view, birth-work is best as a grassroots occupation, and the birth-workers that I love and trust the most were chosen by their communities, because of experiences these women had in their own lives. I get a lot of messages from lovely well-meaning women who wake up one day and decide that it would be romantic to become a midwife or a birth attendant, and who want to find out how to become trained or accredited as quickly as possible. In my view, the most well-rounded and significant education is in doing, reading, helping, apprenticing. It is absolutely wonderful to witness birth, but it’s also incredibly hard work, and the recent appropriation of midwifery by the state, as an academic or a trade, is sad to me. The wise women I know have put in many many years’ experience birthing their own babies, reading everything, learning from others, and serving their communities. The academic route doesn’t impress me much, I guess is what I’m saying–not that academics aren’t a legitimate path for some people, but I do believe that apprenticeship and self-education and community education are equally valid, and perhaps more so, in the context of community birth-work.