I received a really lovely message the other day from someone who mentioned that they enjoyed my writing and felt in line with my philosophies for the most part, but while they are trying to be more free and easy with their child, here I am instituting rules about running in the house!
For the record, the message was *so* sweet, and very appreciated, but I found it interesting that when I mentioned in a post a while ago that I am trying to keep running to a minimum in our tiny house, that this was interpreted as “rules” about running in the house. Not so!
I think there tends to be a split between parenting philosophies that discuss “boundaries” and “discipline” vs. schools of thought that run along “attachment” lines–which are often described as being more “child-led”.
I consider myself to be very much an “attachment” parent, and it is very important to me to respect my kids and to recognize that their behaviours and actions are always coming from a place of authenticity. I want to make it clear, that I actually don’t have any “rules” in our house. What good would that do? I could state clearly to everybody that there is a “no running” rule…but what would happen when they run? What next? Not only do I have issues with the logic behind time-outs, but I am really too lazy to implement them. Also, if I follow the trajectory of emotion behind the time out to its logical conclusion, I am concerned that I would find myself face-to-face with a teenager as angry and contrary as I was, (to be clear, my mother wasn’t into time-outs either, but there were significant issues in my family during my childhood, which I think led to my carrying quite a bit of rage). In other words, I don’t think that time-outs, or that segregating a child from the family group leads to more love, more acceptance, more understanding. And these are really the only way to work through stuff. You know. Stuff.
So how do I get the kids to stop running in the house? First of all, when I’m faced with this kind of issue, I have to ask myself: is it really necessary that the kids stop running in the house? For me, to be honest, it is. Our home is tiny. Door slam. The pottery rattles. Treva gets run over. Tears ensue. I think for some people, the conditions might be different, and running in the house…why not? For us, it doesn’t work so well.
So then the question becomes, how can I, the leader, ensure that everyone gets their needs met? Because the kids clearly need to run, and I clearly need some peace & quiet. And the answer, for me, is easy. Instead of yelling at the kids to stop running, which they can’t and won’t be doing, I go up to Horus (the ringleader), I crouch down, hold his hand, and say. “Wow. You are so fast. I want to see you run right down the driveway. Could you show me your fastest sprint?” And while I’m talking, I’m putting on his coat, and gearing him up, and then he’s out the door and he’s off! Happy, because he is loved and seen and heard and witnessed.
This way of dealing with a potential issue might seem like semantics: what’s the difference? I’m still essentially saying No Running in the House! But it’s actually the opposite: I am saying to Horus, Yes. Yes to the running, Yes to your energy, Yes to who you are.
For me, *everything* shifts when I remind myself of the importance of making my children right. And this can be done even in the hairiest of circumstances, or even when faced with aggression and conflict. There is always something right in a child’s behaviour, and I do believe that there is always a valid reason for why a child behaves the way she or he does.
Am I always able to respond to my kids this way, with love, positivity and openness? Oh no. No. Not always. But the more I am able to stay aware of my body, and my emotions, and of how my responses affect the trajectory of our family, the more I am able to stay clear on what kind of parent and person I want to be. It’s a constant learning process, that requires constant forgiveness, especially towards myself.
For me, *everything* shifts when I remind myself of the importance of making my children right. And this can be done even in the hairiest of circumstances, or even when faced with aggression and conflict. There is always something right in a child’s behaviour, and I do believe that there is always a valid reason for why a child behaves the way she or he does.
POWERFUL words to me. wow! your wonderful little people will even more wonderful as adults. you are definitely good enough 😉
Haha! This post made me smile like a kid who got picked for something. 🙂 I don’t think I meant ‘rules’ so much as, like you said, boundaries. I was thinking about your video of the night you were tired and Treva wanted to read and Horus was playing trombone, (when I saw the picture with the trombone) and I thought as I watched it, “I only have one kids and my home is just as crazy!” I’m also just as tired so sometimes just as irritable. But the thing that caught my attention, was even though Treva wanted you to stop and read to her, instead you did read to her, WHILE you were doing something else. I need to learn this. That I can do more than one thing at a time. There are times when I feel that same guilt for not giving all my attention right away, but you found a way to to do both, even if she wanted all the attention and no singing 😛
I also agree with your idea of “why not run inside” if you had enough room. And I love the turning the thinning inside into running outside!
I can’t wait to get out of this city. My son can’t run inside or outside and we don’t go to the park nearly often enough as we should.
I can’t wait until next spring when we have a house and a yard/land in a small town and he can play outside all day and run to his hearts content.
For now we have a 1 bedroom apartment and nothing but a staircase and parking lot outside. Its heartbreaking. When I was young I was never stuck inside, and I don’t remember having rules until I was older. Then I was an angry teenager haha, and I had moved from the countryside to being in town. No more freedom. I hate the city.
So this post has opened my eyes more to the reasons I want to live in the middle of nowhere. And how it must feel for my son who can’t have the freedoms I had as a child. At his age (3) I swam in the water trough and rode my dads horse naked, got chased by geese, etc, (there are videos to prove it or I wouldn’t remember haha), while my poor son is stuck inside because I don’t want him to get ran over.
So I’ve completely gotten off topic.
Since I wrote that last comment I have given into my ‘laziness’, and like you describe, just sit down and direct his crazy energy to something that won’t destroy the livingroom. We’ve been doing a lot of crafts lately. There’s enough glitter in my carpet to show for it hahahah, our Christmas tree is very glittery and construction-papery. Stacy helped glitter the star while daddy’s the one who cut out the shape for it and mommy put it together to go on the tree.
Its much easier as you imply, to let them do whatever, and just redirect them as they start slamming doors, running people over, and making them cry!
I love the craziness, it let’s you know you’re alive 🙂 Hubby on the other hand didn’t have such freedom as a child, his mother is still overbearing and controlling. So I’m having to retrain him to CHILL OUT. It’s kind of entertaining to watch him cringe as something is spilled or crashes to the ground and he’s not allowed to do anything about it. Things can be cleaned up, and then the cleaning can be a learning experience too.
He’s getting better about not freaking out, but he still has been yelling too much…. I yell too, normally about his mother 😉
Now if I could get my son’s pants to stay on now that its winter and I don’t want him to catch pneumonia! At least he’ll never have body problems or self-image issues. Love my nudist. That makes hubby’s family complain too. All the more reason to always be naked!
Hi April–it’s taken me a while to reply, but I love this message from you…It sounds like your son is having a great time with you. I do love living next to the woods and the water… but there are sometimes things about being in an urban centre that I miss. We do a lot of walking here, but I love the fact that in the city (and even the suburbs) one can walk TO places, and ride bikes to shops, etc. I also sometimes miss the opportunity, in the city, to access art galleries, and libraries, and performances easily…Anyway. I wish you a wonderful Holiday April! Take good care.