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I have received several of messages lately on how to avoid power struggles with toddlers and young kids. First, I want to just openly acknowledge that while I have total confidence in the approach I delineate below, and a good intellectual understanding of how to go about being an effective parent, I am far from skilled at always putting this into practice. I too get tired, frustrated, irritable, and I fail. That’s not self-admonition or guilt –just the facts. But self-awareness is good, and I am happy to say that I do have mostly good days with my kids. When I can put these ideas into practice in my day-to-day, everyone is happier, everything works, we all win. But please know that I struggle as much as you do.
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The first thing I have learned to do to ensure that life is peaceful with little kids, is not to expect too much. If I’m dragging everyone around in the car all day, things are going to break down. This is a natural consequence of my unreaslistic expectations.
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And we certainly hear a lot about “natural consequences” or “logical consequences” as a gentler alternative to “disciplining” our children. Take for example, a 3-year old, who walks by a chair over which dad’s clothes are hung. Out of the blue, for no reason at all, the 3-year old pulls the clothes off the chair, and throws them on the floor. The mother comes over and says “Those don’t belong on the floor. Please pick them up”. The toddler says “No!”. The mother says. “Please pick the clothes up off the floor, right now. You threw them on the floor, you must pick them up”. The toddler starts to cry.
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This mother has read about “natural consequences”. And the “natural consequence” of the toddler throwing the clothes on the floor, is that they have to pick them up. Right? But how to get the toddler to pick the clothes up, without entering into a power struggle or a meltdown?
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First of all, the very concept of a natural or logical consequence is an important one to examine, and to understand. A “natural consequence” or logical consequence is one that occurs as a spontaneous, unavoidable result of the action–an object thrown in the air comes down. Gravity is a natural consequence. A true “natural consequence” is simply the effects of reality–not emotion, or preference, or belief, or culture. Just reality.
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And so if we examine the concept of “natural consequences” when interacting with children, being told that to pick clothes up off the floor is the “consequence” of throwing them onto the floor in the first place, is a misnomer. Reality tells us that the only natural or logical consequence of having thrown the clothes on the floor, is in fact that the clothes are now on the floor. What goes up, comes down.
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Some might argue, that a mother or father’s irritation or frustration is a natural or logical consequence that arises from the child having thrown the clothes on the floor. But feelings and reactions vary from person to person. There are lots of parents out there who might not care at all that clothes are on the floor. Some people keep a tidy house, some people don’t mind if things are messy. It is not “natural” that we have decided that clothes belong on the chair, or in the drawer. It is social, and cultural. Of course, there is nothing wrong with socialization, and in fact, we can’t escape it. Socialization happens in one way or another. It is an inevitable part of living in any kind of culture. (Which is why the “socialization” argument against homeschooling is so utterly ridiculous–children are socialized by being at home, or at school, or on a kibbutz, or running errands with their parents. All these are different forms of socialization. What do you want for your kids? We have a lot of agency, as parents, especially in the early years Anyway.).
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I try, as a parent, to take a long view, and I find that this helps when we’re on the brink of a potential conflict. What are the fundamental values that I am trying to help my children grasp? Because with each small daily interaction we have with our kids, we are building the foundation of how they see the world, and how they see themselves. I *do* want my children to be socialized to appreciate living in an environment that is ordered and tidy. I also want my children to want to respect others, and their objects. I want my children to to have an intrinsic desire to be kind to others, and to learn how to get along with people, in general. In order to help my kids get there, I need to be modelling these behaviours and habits myself. At the core, is self-respect, and respect for others. To establish a foundation of respect for oneself and others, we need to recognize the distinction between making our child do something because we have decided (incorrectly) that this is the “consequence” of their behaviour, vs. consciously, gently, compassionately, influencing our kids by osmosis, through our own example, which is at the root of creating a strong family culture.
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When Felix, 1.5 years old, occasionally pees on the floor instead of into the potty, my reaction is “oops! There’s pee on the floor! We pee in the potty. Let’s clean that up together sweetheart” and I hold his hand, we go find a towel, we mop up the pee together. The “natural” consequence, (ie: reality) of peeing on the floor, is that there is pee on the floor. No one has to clean it up. It is *possible* for pee to stay on the floor forever. There is no *consequence* to peeing on the floor, other than pee being on the floor. And yet I do want Felix to incorporate into his reality the idea that there are specific places to pee. I don’t do that by imposing on him the idea that there is any kind of “consequence” to peeing on the floor. Rather, cleaning the pee up, and then peeing in the potty next time (or the next time), is simply what we do–it is part of our family culture, and it is a *privilege* and even a pleasure to pee in the right place, and to clean up any messes on the floor. It is also a privilege and a pleasure to be able to hold my son’s hand, to talk with him, to show him how we do it. There is no guilt involved, no mention of “consequences”. I do, absolutely realize that (thankfully) there are very few parents who would ever admonish a tiny child after peeing on the floor, hand them a cloth, and command her to clean up the pee as a “consequence” of having peed on the floor. That would be cruel. But even with our older children, whose behaviours may seem calculated, or oppositional, we can approach these instances with the same softness, generosity and tolerance, with which we would guide a tiny toddler towards the preferred location for elimination.
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Coming back to the 3-year old who is throwing clothes on the floor: First, I need to remember that I’m on their side. There is no need to make a request for the child to clean the clothes up. This gives an opportunity for defensiveness, denial and conflict. I would simply say “Oops, daddy’s clothes got knocked on the floor. Let’s get those cleaned up, then let’s read a book together”, and I would just start picking up the clothes. It’s simple: the clothes have to be picked up. I want to be focussing on the way we *do* do things in our family, not on how wrong the child is. I also want to couple my response to situations like this, with a sign that I am listening to the child, and that I have “heard” (through their behaviour) that they need my attention. Children don’t “misbehave”. Child express their emotions and their struggles through their behaviour. A three-year old throwing clothes on the floor is a direct message that the child is frustrated, or bored, or dissatisfied in some way. So when I respond to them by saying “Oops, daddy’s clothes got knocked on the floor, let’s get those cleaned up, then we’ll read a book! I am a) showing the child how to be respectful of dad’s items, b) showing the child how much I respect them, by giving them the benefit of the doubt, by *not* attacking them or making them wrong, and c) showing the child that I see them, that I’m really getting that they’re bored, irritated, feeling ignored, etc. When I immediately provide a response to that frustration (the underlying cause of the behaviour), without having to make a big deal about it, the child is immediately on board, feeling validated, feeling loved, and wanting to help. There is no power struggle, the results are immediate, and everyone wins.
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I hear situations like this quite often being met with what might look like the above, but framed as a “natural” consequence: “Please pick the clothes up. You can’t just throw clothes on the floor and then leave them there! Pick the clothes up, and then I’ll read you a story”. As in most examples of “logical consequences”, there is no logic here, and it is, in fact, the threat of a potential punishment, and the perfect set-up for anger, defensiveness and defiance from the child.
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What if, in my positive scenario, the child does not come back over to where I am, and does not decide to help to clean the clothes up that they knocked on the floor? Well, who cares? I took the 3 seconds, and I did it. And now we’re reading together. And I didn’t have to stand there for 20 minutes, arguing with a 3-year old. And the 3-year old is happy. And the 3-year old just witnessed an adult taking responsibility for a mess that wasn’t theirs. And the 3-year old sees that the adult who is closest to her in the world, respects her environment, and herself, and values getting along with other people. Still, the long-term outcome is a good one, and the likelihood is that either there won’t be a next time–because there was no real value for the 3-year old in throwing the clothes on the floor: no emphasis was placed on that part of the interaction. The emphasis was on Oh! You need me! Here I am.
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And that’s what I take away, when I am able to parent in this way: that it isn’t difficult to get along with my young kids. They have a natural sense of wanting to please, to fit in, to be part of the world, to receive my attention, and they would prefer for that attention to be positive.
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We parents have *so* much power. But real power doesn’t lie in our relative strength, or the control we could exert over our kids. Our power lies in our ability to effortlessly show each child and family member that they’re right, they’re loved, through every interaction, and to create the reality that our children are growing into, in our homes and our communities.