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Archives for December 2013

How Do I Get So Much Done (with three kids and a crazy life?)

December 10, 2013 by Yolande 2 Comments

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How do I get so much done?

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I get this question a lot.  Sometimes it makes me laugh, or snort, or shake my head…Here are some answers.

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1. I don’t.  Really.  It probably just seems like I do, because I blather on about my life so much.  And like most other people who write a blog, and who have a “public” or semi-public personae, I like to mostly talk about the things I feel good about.   But there are many days where I stare, post-supper, at the wreckage and feel somewhat obliterated.

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2. What is your definition of “doing”?  Or achieving? Or succeeding…I do get lots done in some areas.  And there are lots of other things that I don’t do, that I would like to do, or that I probably “should” do…I’ve come to terms.

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3.  I’ve come to terms.  With all kinds of imperfection.

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4. On most nights, I go to bed really really early.

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4. On most mornings, I get up really really early.  I have found, through trial and error, that staying up late after my kids have gone to bed just doesn’t work for me.  I end up on Facebook.  Or engaged in other time-wasting pursuits.  Early morning is the time I have to myself, to write, to plan.

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5. I go to sleep with my kids.  I don’t waste time putting them to bed, and then having to put myself to bed all over again, later.  Also, when they know that I am lying down to *sleep next to them*, they don’t resist bedtime, or falling asleep themselves.  I have come to realize that the resistance that a lot of kids have around bedtime, actually comes from the fear and anxiety of knowing that at some point here, their parent is going to get up and *abandon them*.  So I just don’t.

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6. I try to exercise every day.  Exercise allows for mental clarity, physical stamina, and less stress all round.  I do this at 5am, and I find that I can be consistent *if* it is a daily task, rather than a once–or-twice-a-week thing.  If I give myself any leeway, I fall off the wagon.  So daily, clockwork, works for me.
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7. As a general rule (with lots of exceptions here and there) I don’t watch tv or movies.  I just can’t give up 5-12 hours (or more) per week on *doing nothing*.  Quitting passive entertainment is an essential for getting a lot done.  When I do watch shows, I am always doing something else simultaneously, like sewing, or making pottery trivets, or website-maintenance.  And I will admit to sometimes sticking my laptop on the shelf before the kids wake up, while I’m washing dishes from the night before, to watch a movie…but my strong preference is usually radio.

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8. I gave up on depression. I reject mental illness, and I reject depression. I know I’m stepping into the fire here, and there will be lots of people who take this as a personal affront, or a judgement about them, or a statement of intolerance or a misunderstanding of what mental illness really is.  Please don’t write to me.  I know that the idea that mental illness and addiction are illnesses like cancer, is so prevalent as to be gospel.  And I know that the response to people like me, who talk about “dealing” with their depression holistically, is simply “well, you didn’t have mental illness or depression then.”  That’s fine.  I know myself.  Taking 100% responsibility for my own mental state has been the right approach for me.  We are all different.  But I think it is very possible to refuse the categorization of depression as a mental illness, while at the same time acknowledging that depression is often a debilitating state of being that deserves legitimate love, care, attention, compassion and validation, while at the same time being “treatable” without a clinical approach, and without pharmaceuticals.  And to those who feel the urge to bleat at me, saying that “I wouldn’t go around claiming that there is any element of responsibility for those who experience physical illness”, I bring you to number nine.

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9. I don’t go to the doctor.  I take care of my health.  I reject  illness.  And I do believe that there is a strong element of personal responsibility and agency when it comes to physical health and the manifestation of disease.  And I do believe that all physical illnesses have a psychological foundation, or at least, aspect.
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10.  I don’t let people’s opinions of me stop me.  Being attacked and criticized does bother me, I can’t deny it, but I keep going anyway.  And I have noticed that when  I say, write, and do things that make people really really angry, if I check in to make sure *I* know I am acting with integrity…then I can go ahead and take that anger from others as a sign that I’m engendering, even in a tiny way, discomfort, thought, analysis…some kind of change.
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11. I homeschool: This saves a heck of a lot of time.  I don’t have to drive anyone back and forth from anywhere, I don’t have to feel any pressure to buy my kids special clothes, or unnecessary equipment, or devices.  I don’t have to deal with the stress of dealing with the ridiculous bureaucracy of the school system, or bullying, or bizarre expectations.  It’s a load-off.
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12.  I don’t hire babysitters.  I take care of my kids myself.  I tried, a couple of summers ago, hiring someone to come and “help” with the kids, while I tried to finish a body of ceramic work, right before Felix was born.  The three young girls in a row came, with their smartphones, and clicked away while I paid them $12 an hour (thinking that a decent-ish wage–for a 14 year old–would inspire them to not be useless).  I won’t be repeating that charade.
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13.  I live in constant economic uncertainty and stress, and I’m in debt–I don’t like it, at all.  But this is a price to pay in order to be an artist, to work from home, to homeschool my kids, for now, anyway.  I don’t actually have any personal friends who live this way.  I don’t know a lot of people who would, or could, tolerate this.  I try not to go on and on about my financial anxieties.  But anyway.  When other people express to me that they’re envious of my “lifestyle”, I smile wanly, and think my private thoughts.  (If I do complain to you, please know it’s because I love and trust you…and I’m sorry!  Trying not to.  Right now).
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14. I have consciously cultivated an incredibly strong family culture of reading.  My kids love to read, and reading is tv, medicine, entertainment, education, and family.  Libraries are free, and yes, I think that reading is different than the screen.  When I want my kids to quiet and calm down, we read books.  Horus, especially, is the stuff that euphemisms like “high energy” and “sensitive” describe.  And yet he will sit for literally *hours* and be read to, or read books himself on the sofa.  When parents tell me that their kids aren’t really into reading, or that their kids prefer to play video games…my private response is: if you don’t like it, don’t have video games in the house.  And create a joy in reading.  Especially in our time, that is quite obviously dominated by the screen, a love of reading has to be *instilled*.  Go to the library with your kids at least once a week, and make it an exciting production.  Make a time, every single day, when reading happens.  Be the leader your kids are looking for.

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15. I have unbelievably high standards, heft ambitions, loads of passion.  These aren’t liabilities, as I see it, but necessities in terms of “getting stuff done”, and also…having a will to live, and to keep going.

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16.  I have a high tolerance for, and, I guess, a comfort in, or familiarity with, failure.  Being an artist involves 87% failure and rejection.  Being someone who writes out loud means that I get a steady stream of messages from people who can’t stand me.  Which leads me to number 17…

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17.  I know who my friends are.  I have learned to discern fairly accurately.  I’m also willing to let people go, who decide they can’t deal with who I am.  None of this is definitive.  I don’t cut people off, or abandon them…but I’m not going to expend a lot of energy on someone who doesn’t get me, or doesn’t like me.  I don’t need that struggle in my life.

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18.  I’m really into tolerance, and forgiveness, and second chances.  I don’t actually have many deal-breakers.  I believe in nuance and gray as a spiritual path.

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19. I have an amazing community of friends, whom I love, and who, surprisingly sometimes, love and tolerate me.  These friends are there for me, and willing to help me.  And I’m learning, slowly, to accept more help.
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20.  I accept a boatload of mediocrity in certain areas of my life.  My house is literally never clean.  it’s passable, mostly, borderline sometimes, I’m working on integrating more systems, always.  It’s chaos, in other words.
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21. Evernote.  I write *everything* down, and Evernote has saved my life.  Buy it, use it, it will change your life.
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22. I don’t take time off.  Bricks get laid the day before I give birth, the day I give birth, and the morning after I give birth.  I know about the resting thing.  I preach the resting thing.  But that’s just not really who I am.  So, I’m ok with that.  Everything changes, all of the time.  We’ll see.

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23. I give birth at home, I feed my babies from my breasts, and I carry them around.  I can’t imagine the colossal time and energy and *effort* that it would entail to have to recover from a hospital birth, and then to prepare food, bottles and paraphernalia for an infant.  Evolutionary parenting is just. So.  Easy. But more profoundly, I strongly believe that the birth experiences I have had  have formed who I am.  And that for me, giving birth under no one’s authority or direction but my own, has put me on a trajectory of independent thought, and self-sufficiency both in physical and mental terms.  And I also strongly believe that my incredibly empowering birth experiences have given me a great mental fortitude, and have granted me protection against the psychological damage that certain breakdowns in my life may have resulted in, had I not experienced birth as a source of power and delight in my biology, my humanness, my femaleness.
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24. My husband and I both work from home.   He is around, if not always following my exact directives (ha).  The presence of two adults makes juggling all of this (somewhat) possible.
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25. The Ergo.  I’m really not a gear person–I have a stroller that my mum used in Vancouver.  And I’ve never used it again.  I don’t use bouncy chairs, or playpens, or other “stuff”.  I have a variety of slings (and my friend Natalie Arsenault makes the most gorgeous ring slings!) But my back bothers me at times, and the Ergo is the only carrier that I can use for long *long* periods of time without any twinges.
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26. I work fast and efficiently, in writing, and as an artist.  I have been an avid writer for, essentially, my entire life.  Having children has done *wonders* for my productivity.  I actively look for, and create time in my day to make: stories, essays art, craft.  Being a parent means that when I have time to myself, I do not waste it.  Almost ever.  “Writer’s block” or “maker’s block”, or artistic insecurity do not exist for me.  When these concepts come up, they are banished.
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27. I plan every hour of my day.
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28. I accept the fact that the plan for my day *never* works out, and yet having even a sense of a framework is essential.  And being ok with letting the plan go is fundamental.
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29. I cook everything from scratch.  This saves me time in many ways.  As counterintuitive as this may sound, the fact that I cook from whole foods makes everything easier.  I throw a chicken in the oven, I come back 3 hours later, I throw it on the table, add a salad, and we attack, basically. I toss the carcass in my pot, add water, later vegetables and we have soup for the next day, then the dregs of that will probably be transformed into the base for a stir-fry sauce, etc.  I recycle all our meals, something from nothing. I learned to cook from my mother, and these processes are habitual.

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30. I am totally crystal-clear about who I am and what I want.

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31.  I really really love to spend time with my children.  I love who they are.  I accept who they are.  I want to be with them.  I have a strong sense of how fleeting childhood is, and of how anything can happen…I enjoy my full, hectic, messy life.

Filed Under: Health, Home & Family LIfe, Inner Life, Uncategorized Tagged With: dissent, family, feminism, giving thanks, independence, judgement, mommy wars, motherhood, politics

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WELCOME!

I work with smart, independent women who are sick of feeling disempowered by the myth that childbirth is a medical event from which we need to be delivered. I help mothers navigate the process of planning and manifesting their freebirth without fear. I'm also a writer and a ceramic artist. Feel free to get in touch with me at sasamat(dot)clark(at)gmail(dot)com.

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