(Above: Nat, M., little W., and me).

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I’m tired and worn out, and all of my problems are a result of having so much, and of being so fortunate: so many events, opportunities, objects, projects, family, babies, and wonderful people in my life. We are packing and moving and our house is being repaired and while exhausted, I am struck by how incredibly lucky I am.
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I often feel like things are so hectic in my life that I’m not able to give as much as I would like to others.  Lately especially, the fact that I have such an immensely loving, generous and giving group of friends is really hitting me, hard.
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Our house is still a construction zone, and our possessions (including an obscene number of books which I can’t quite accept as really being part of a hoarder’s repertoire—what happens when the digital world collapses?) are mostly in boxes between here and Queenstown…Lee has been working so very hard to paint and to get our house ready for our family and our new baby, and a few nights ago, Sam came over to hang out with the kids while we packed, and then Nat, Lisa and Melissa drove to Queenstown and worked for many hours, doing unbelievably tedious and laborious work cleaning drywall spackle off of the floors and preparing the house to be painted.  Melissa made a delicious meal which has been sustaining us for the past few days, and I am so moved by the support we have.  I worked our stall at the Boyce farmer’s market on Saturday, and Lily came to relieve me towards the end, because I felt just too tired to continue…And last night Lee dropped the sleeping children off at Katie & Brian’s down the road, and then I sanded the floors while he painted and we worked until 4am, and then went back to Katie’s and I slept for a couple of hours, and then my children messed up Katie’s house in the morning, which she was (as always) endlessly gracious about, and we had a lovely time.
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All three of our little ones are feeling a bit off-kilter.  They are, to be fair, being displaced once again.  Horus has been vacillating between showing surprising maturity and being totally bonkers, but when he sat down with me the other day before bed, and told me straight-up that he doesn’t want to move, the church is now his home, and why do we have to move all the time, and what happens when there is another oil spill? we both had a good cry, and worked through a lot of stuff that had been lingering.
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We have been eating out of the car and driving across the province endlessly, and l fully admit to, at 39 weeks pregnant, feeling a bit grumpy lately.  When I made the mistake of going to the grocery store with the kids at 7:30 pm last night, and Felix and Treva were monkeying about in the cart, a clean and lovely woman (also pregnant), ran over to catch Felix, when she thought he was about to topple over, and I looked at her with my most evil, chilling glare, and said, icily, “I do, believe it or not, have everything under control here, thanks very much”, and she was gone—maybe I had turned her to stone with my undiluted spite, but no, because she actually approached me in the parking lot, to apologize to *me* for having been presumptuous, (and of course, she was truly only trying to be kind), and I immediately loved her, and apologized for being so unbearably awful, and she actually said that she completely understood and that she has three kids at home as well, and that she won’t take them grocery shopping anymore (I know, I know).  I actually got a little teary over the exchange, because it’s just so humbling and wonderful when we expect people to be jerks, and we pre-empt their bad behaviour with worse behaviour of our own, and then they turn out to be generous, and real, and kind.  Beautiful mother in the blue dress, *thank you*.  You gave me back the evening, and the possibility that I’m not so bad after all.
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I think like everyone, I struggle sometimes with feelings of inadequacy, and thoughts that I really don’t give enough to the world, and that I’m essentially a worthless unlovable failure…I don’t often get to that point, really, but being exhausted makes everything wonky…I guess what I’m saying is that that can’t really be the case when there are so many wonderful friends out there who clearly must love me, or they wouldn’t be giving me so much of their time and their love and support.  Thank you so much to my friends and to angelic strangers.  I love you.
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I also love our Fredericton Trust Birth Group, which, in a year and a half, has blossomed into such a vital and important part of *my* life.  I have adored connecting with so many beautiful, strong, wise and courageous mothers in the Fredericton area.  It has been amazing to find my tribe.  This upcoming meeting on the 28th of May will be my last meeting during this pregnancy, and our first meeting at our new location, the serene Satori Yoga studio at 441 King Street.
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I *really* hope to see you there—You are all my doctors, and my prenatal care, and like every pregnant mum who is nearing the birth journey, I’m excited, and scared, and anxious, and peaceful, and one of the things I need and want more than anything is community.  As usual, the meeting will be from 7pm-9pm, and please enter very quietly, as there will be a yoga class in session before the space is ours.  <3

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