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There was a point, for this particular mother, (as there is during every birth) where I could see her fraying at the edges, just a little bit.  She was swaying in the water and resting between the cresting, breaking sensations, but I could see the shock of it in her face; the wild unexpected magnitude of it.  This is the moment at which, for many of us, panic may set in.

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Birth, when mothers are supported in a safe and familiar environment of peace, quiet confidence, and non-intervention, brings out the most sincere expression of who each woman really is.  For example, when I give birth, I scream and  yell and rant and rave and whine and cry, and then eventually I damn well do it anyway.  I’m loud and emotional, and transparent and raw.  It’s ok not to always keep it together!

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An optimal birth requires that the mother feel free to process her emotions, in the way that she must. And the truth is that some women simply can’t tolerate birth, for emotional reasons.  This makes perfect sense—this is allowed, and reasonable, and in no way a judgement.  Emotional pain, a history of abuse, discomfort with the body, and any experience that has caused trauma, can have a significant effect on the smooth progress of a birth.  This is absolutely not to say that trauma will necessarily impinge on a birth—each and every one of us is dealing with trauma, that’s for sure.  Birth is physical, certainly, but being able to withstand the birth process is very much a mental game–which almost every woman can manage, with the right support.

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Indeed, over the years, I have come to be increasingly convinced that when a mother ends up with surgery because she hasn’t dilated completely, or because she has “failed to progress”, or because she is exhausted, this tends to be mostly a case of a failure in her support system (on the part her midwife, birth attendant, or doctor) to provide the necessary elements for a spontaneous birth, or it is a result of her simply being uncomfortable with the intensity of birth.  Only in rare cases, is surgery a physiological necessity—and when it is, of course, everyone is so grateful for hospital technology. And it is never a “failure” on the part of the woman—not a failure of personality, nor a failure of her body. There are fine distinctions to be made here.  Birth certainly can be prepared for—to a great extent.  Many women do feel a sense of triumph, and accomplishment after giving birth.  And this is totally legitimate.  Birth, when it flows, is simple.  But the triumph after a wonderful birth doesn’t correspond to failure when birth doesn’t go as planned, and it is much more difficult–impossible, really, and often unhelpful–to parse “what went wrong”.

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There really is a recipe for getting the home birth or free birth you plan for.  And the recipe, if you have it, is fairly straightforward.  This does not mean that the recipe is going to turn out every time.  But if you’re making a chocolate cake with sardines and turmeric, you’re almost guaranteed not to end up with a very good chocolate cake.  If what you want is a spontaneous, physiological, unhindered birth experience, you’re going to want to seek out a specific type of support system, you’re going to want to create a specific type of environment, and you’re going to want to study, say and do, some very specific things.  (For the next little while, I’m offering my ebook guide to an ecstatic home birth for free to everyone who joins my mailing list here). 

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In my next post, I’ll finish the story of this incredible mother, and I’ll discuss two paradoxical elements that can be cultivated, and that together, can help immeasurably, when manifesting your perfect birth.