I received the following message this morning, in response to a post I wrote several months ago, called “Life Transitions: My Son Wants to Wear Dresses”. My reply follows.
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First time reader here and I felt the need to comment because I was really digging this post and like [another commenter] said above, the way you were addressing your son’s concerns and his questions.
And then you went off into some very TERF-Y territory by saying “You are a boy, Horus. You are a boy, a male, simply because you have a boy’s body: a penis, testicles, and other male parts. You will never become pregnant, or give birth to a child, but you may one day decide to be a father when you’re much much older.”
You talk so positively about gender and how you approach it in your house and have been raised yourself and yet then go into such a rigid definition of it for your child. We know that our bodies don’t always dictate our genders or our sexuality. THIS IS A FACT. By saying these things to your child are you not making him gender-biased against anyone who identifies as not cisgender (trans* or a* or genderfluid)?
You say you will love him regardless of what he wears and who he loves, and hope that he will always love his body the way it is. What if he doesn’t? What if at some point he didn’t love that body anymore and felt it was a betrayal to who he loves on the inside?
I swear I was right there with you for 80% of this post Y, and then I don’t know… you really lost me.
I think this might be my first and last read of your blog.
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Dear First Time Reader,
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. It’s interesting to me that you seem to take offence to my pointing out biological facts about my son’s body. He does indeed have a penis and testicles, that will, at some stage in his life (I assume, as all signs point to his body being healthy and functional) produce sperm. My understanding of science is admittedly rudimentary, but he is clearly a male human and as such, he will never become pregnant through sexual intercourse, or give birth spontaneously to a child. How could such a simple observation be contentious?
And I’m really not sure what you mean by “TERF-Y”. I have heard that this is an acronym for “Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminist”. Who exactly am I “excluding” by observing the material reality of biology? I cannot fathom.
I agree entirely that the body does not always dictate our gender–this is, in essence, the underlying point of my original article: “Gender” is simply a set of social conventions and societal attitudes that inform, suggest, and sometimes even enforce, through subtle and not-so-subtle pressures, notions of masculinity and femininity. “Gender” conventions shift and change from era to era and from place to place–that which is considered masculine at one time or in one culture, may be considered feminine in another. “Gender” and what this means also varies greatly among individuals. There is no metric to measure or quantify “gender”, and every human is “gender-fluid”–incorporating elements of that which is considered masculine and feminine, to some degree or another.
I also agree entirely that our bodies do not dictate our sexuality. I see evidence of increasingly compulsory heterosexuality in our society, and that troubles me. I want my children to be free to love who they love whether they are attracted to people of the opposite sex, or the same sex as they are.
What our bodies *do* dictate, however, is our sex. And sex is significant because it in turn dictates our reproductive capacity. And sadly, it is on the basis of sex roles, and reproductive ability and vulnerability, that females are oppressed and discriminated against in this world in which males hold and enforce so much privilege and often oppression, over females. My view is that sex and gender are distinct, and as I mentioned above, humans are mammals, and almost all humans fall into one of two reproductive biological sex categories: male and female. Of course, there are a small percentage of people on the planet who are intersex, or who are born with genitals or secondary sex characteristics that are very different from the more usual variations among individuals. And that’s fine! But this doesn’t negate basic mammalian reproductive biology, just as those humans who are sometimes born with missing limbs do not negate the rule that generally humans have two arms and two legs. THIS IS FACT.
And no, I am quite sure that by saying these things to my child, I am not “making him biased” towards anyone–no more than teaching children that the world is round, rather than flat, will “make them biased” towards those who believe otherwise. I am actively teaching all my children that every person, whatever their belief system, their religion, their appearance, or their self-described “identity”, deserves kindness, compassion and basic respect.
I will indeed love my child regardless of what he wears and who he loves. I will also love my child regardless of whether or not he loves his own body. Just as my own mother continued to love me when I stopped loving my body; when I felt that my body was a betrayal to who I felt I should be “on the inside”. When I was sure, “on the inside” that I was 98 lbs, and I starved myself in order to attempt to fit that self-concept, my mother continued to love me. (This is not to say that she enabled or encourage my delusions, and thank goodness for that.) When I went through a period of believing that I would truly be happy and fulfilled if only my physical body matched the image I had in my mind of myself as a woman with visible breasts, rather than the totally flat chest I actually possess, and I seriously considered plastic surgery (going so far as to visit a plastic surgeon for a consultation), I know my mother would have continued to love me had I gone ahead with that surgery, although I also know that she would have been devastated (to put it mildly) had I actually paid someone to have my healthy, perfect, functional female body cut open so that bags of silicone could have been sewn into my flesh. That my mother would have found that to be a horrifying ghoulish, macabre form of self-mutilation and self-harm would never negate her love for me, nor would her assessment of those procedures have been a judgement of *me*, but simply an opinion of what those procedures constitute, in and of themselves, from her perspective.
So…What if? What if my son grows up to hate the body that he inhabits, that is himself? I would be sad. I would be very very sad. And I hope that is never the case. But if it is, (and let’s face it, it is for so many people–and I tend to think that the very idea of “gender” has much to do with why) my love for him would remain undiminished, and I would recognize that as an adult, his body is entirely his own, to decorate, and to adorn and modify, and even to harm, as he sees fit.
And you know, I was right there with you, N, for about 10% of your message, but you really lost me there for the majority. So, all the best to you, stranger, and take good care.
Yolande
Hi YOland,
This is brilliant. Are you on twitter? I tweeted this blog on my twitter just now – do you have a handle?
I really appreciate your measured and rationale response. I appreciate your pointing out facts and avoiding hysteria. I appreciate you wanting to raise your son to be whoever and whatever most pleases him.
I was a preschool teacher for over 100 families and my own two. There is no such thing as gender non-conforming. Just children trying to bloom.
If boys want to wear dresses I let them. If girls played in dirt with trucks I let them. I very much appreciate your blog here.
Thank you so much for this feedback Cheryl! It means so much. I know this is a very sensitive topic. I’m so heartened to hear that you work with children, and I absolutely agree–“Just children trying to bloom.” beautiful. I do have a twitter handle, I’m @bauhauswife. Feel free to share and to tag me! although I admit I don’t really use twitter–haven’t figured it out yet! Anyway, take good care, and thank you for your good work in the world.
Your description of biological sex as “fact” overlooks the socially constructed nature of science itself. Scientific knowledge is created and applied by people. Biological sex, like gender, is a social construct.
Please see this article: http://www.autostraddle.com/its-time-for-people-to-stop-using-the-social-construct-of-biological-sex-to-defend-their-transmisogyny-240284/
The work of Anne Fausto Sterling, a biologist, may also help further your thinking: http://www.annefaustosterling.com/fields-of-inquiry/gender/
lol! All mammals reproduce sexually (which requires a male and a female of the species) and this happens whether or not said mammals have created a framework from which to analyze and understand the phenomenon of sexual reproduction (science). Pretty sure I didn’t socially construct the babies that have passed through my actual vagina. Thanks though!
Did you read and understand the articles I suggested? Yes, people have different bodies, but the way we categorize them as male or female is social.
That is gender. A social construct. The articles try to redefine realty. Gender is harmful. Why reinforce it?
Hi Erin,
Believe it or not, I did read and understand the links you shared!
I have actually come across the autostraddle article many times, and reading it this fourth or fifth time does nothing to improve its offensiveness (author refers throughout to “transmysoginists” and “transphobes” to describe those who disagree with their assumptions & assertions) or its general incoherence and preposterousness.
The piece’s strenuous denial of biological sex is totally unsupportable by science or any other metric or measure of reality, and while I am familiar with the postmodern notion that all is relative and subjective etc., applying the conventions and rhetoric of postmodern critical theory to the material political struggles and realities of everyday life, especially when it comes to the struggles of female people who *don’t* have the privilege and protections of academia, witness, wealth, etc., is incredibly dangerous, in my view.
Of course science is a social construct, as is all language, institution, government, etc. And yet politics and points have to be made somehow, and the purpose of language is to communicate those concepts and ideas with some consensus at least as to the method of communication (i.e.:words mean something). Science may be a social construct, and yet, broken legs still need to be set, etc. Women in developing countries are harassed and prevented from attending school because they menstruate. This isn’t a social construct or an issue of gender identity—it’s bloody reality.
Nowhere does the author of the Autostraddle piece explain or support their basis for the claim that biological sex is “actually a social construct”. They just say so, which does not have me convinced. And then they roll out the tiresome example of intersex people, which has become a standard prop for that side of the argument (and which many intersex people I have spoken with find offensive). The existence of intersex people doesn’t negate the overwhelming evidence that most of us are male or female and that successful reproduction requires male and female parts. None of the gender-critical feminists I have encountered have ever claimed that everyone’s sex organs are the same, or that there aren’t a great number of anomalies among individuals, the exceptions of which prove the general rule, which is, again, evidenced by the fact that only humans with uteruses and vaginas can become pregnant (via sex!) grow infants in their wombs, and spontaneously push them out of their vaginas.
Now, why is it important to be able to categorize those people (women) according to our biology? It is important, because women are oppressed throughout the world, based on our actual or perceived reproductive capacity, and because it is our actual or perceived reproductive capacity that places us, as women, under men, on the hierarchy of gender. It is our actual or perceived reproductive capacity the world over (confirmed and socialized via gender) that signals to men that they are entitled to breed us, sell us, ignore us, hate us, belittle us. Rape, abortion rights, the right to give birth in the manner that we choose—these are issues that are not theoretical, and that no female human on the planet can identify her way out of, not with all the surgery and hormones in the world.
As to your second link, I didn’t find any articles, just the profile of a professor who seems at first glance to be engaged in obscurantist academic musings similar in tone to the work of Judith Butler (perhaps?). I admit to having had enough encounters with post-structuralist feminist theory not to think much of it. Thanks though—I’m sure I’ll get to it at some point.
But I would like to suggest an article and a lecture by feminist and academic Rebecca Reilly-Cooper that may help further your thinking:
https://sexandgenderintro.com
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QPVNxYkawao
Yolande, you are brilliant and articulate. Thank you so much for this contribution and fantastic analysis of the subject.
Thank you Jen
Dang! as some of us in the state of Texas are inclined to say when we are in awe. Your original post and subsequent responses were worth every minute I stayed up past my bedtime. Compassion, clarity, and respect all packaged up nicely in a thoughtful and measured response. Sign me up for more!
Aw, Thank you so much Maria! Dang right back to you 🙂 I really appreciate your taking the time to share your kind words. Take good care, Yo.
Would you say that the earth is flat if some religious nuts were saying it is???
No, because we have enough scientific evidence to know the reality.
Same goes with biological sex. We’ve known for centuries that males have penises and females have uteruses and vaginas. So you’re asking rational people to believe in something that doesn’t make any sense.
The trans ideology is like religion. We’re supposed to believe in something nobody has ever seen.
The way you feel is one thing, the gender you were conditionned to have is one thing. The sex you were born with is there and will remain.
Nobody can change his sex, skin color, age, biological parents, genes, etc.
Even if reality hurts your beliefs, it won’t change.
Gender is a social construct. Entirely. Sex is a biological fact.
Elaine Grisé is right. You cannot twist your way out of material reality with postmodernist shite. The entire universe is not a social construct, and when personal beliefs or feelings contradict material reality, the are no longer beliefs but delusions. Enough already.
Thank you, Yolande, for your intelligence and courage in the face of an ocean of bad thinking.
No.
In mammals reproduction is achieved by joining one egg and one sperm. This is universally true and there will always be some mammals whose bodies make eggs and some mammals whose bodies make sperm.
The only thing socially constructed about this is the language we use to describe it.
Funnily enough, all other aspects of language are also socially constructed and I don’t see you demanding that I call a tree a frog. And I could very well do that. But if you and I wanted to discuss trees or frogs it would be a very confusing conversation.
You don’t get to muddle up my language and make it impossible for me to speak without you calling me hateful and exclusionary. All nouns are exclusionary by nature anyway. If you don’t fit into the commonly accepted definition of a given noun that is hardly my fault and it says nothing about your character or your worth. Are you gonna get mad if you’re not included in the definition of “truck” too?
Get angry at those who uphold oppressive gender norms. That’s where the real problem lies.
Maybe there is a different trajectory among birth support workers and educators in Canada (I don’t think there is), but in the US there is a push toward inclusivity in our language as we speak about the body, reproduction, and birth. Your characterization of reproduction as happening between a “male” and “female” of a species is no longer the current accepted language in the circles I’m in (nor, in fact, with MANA, who has thankfully stated its commitment to parents of all genders).
Thanks for your comment, Stefanie. I’m relieved to say that I don’t work under any organizations or institutions at all, and certainly none that might seek to police or curtail the language that I use to describe the body, reproduction and birth. I appreciate that some people feel an affinity to gender and that is every individual’s prerogative, but I view biological sex and gender as distinct, and I simply use the word “male” to describe mammals who produce sperm, and “female” to describe mammals who produce ova, and who gestate, give birth to, and nourish from the mammary glands, their babies. Thanks again!
Thankfully, not all birth workers are going along with the current mass insanity of erasing the reality of biological sex and codifying identification with sexist stereotypes as the official definition of male and female. Many midwives still understand anatomy and physiology. Despite the bullying and silencing from the genderists, we know that among mammals only females give birth. The move toward genderism is sexist, regressive, and profoundly dangerous to female people, who are oppressed under patriarchy because of our biology, not because we “identify as women.” You can read more about birth workers fighting back against the gender madness here:
http://www.feministcurrent.com/2015/10/13/are-we-women-or-are-we-incubators-an-interview-with-marylou-singleton/
https://womancenteredmidwifery.org/take-action/
http://womensliberationfront.org/report-from-the-womens-liberation-front-action-at-the-midwives-alliance-of-north-america-conference-2/
This is not a biologically contentious issue. Sex is sex and is biological; gender is gender and is socially constructed. Males do not conceive and give birth. You can be sensitive to issues involving transwomen without giving up your ability to perceive reality.
There is nothing I can add to the sensible comments above, but I want to register my agreement with Yolanda and commenter who understand that humans are sexually dimorphic. It’s a fact, immutable, even. No matter how many edgy tattoos, piercings, augmentation or amputations doctors and others might do to a body, it will always be either male or female.
Gender now, that’s, as others have said, a whole other toxic wasteland of hierarchy and oppression (of females as a class by males as a class). Taking on the stereotypical characteristics of the gender that’s imposed upon the other sex doesn’t make the oppression go away.
There is nothing I can add to the sensible comments above, but I want to register my agreement with Yolande and commenter who understand that humans are sexually dimorphic. It’s a fact, immutable, even. No matter how many edgy tattoos, piercings, augmentation or amputations doctors and others might do to a body, it will always be either male or female.
Gender now, that’s, as others have said, a whole other toxic wasteland of hierarchy and oppression (of females as a class by males as a class). Taking on the stereotypical characteristics of the gender that’s imposed upon the other sex doesn’t make the oppression go away.
I always wanted to have children, and I couldn’t. People like to say to us “you’re no less of a woman because you can’t have kids.” And yet here you are, boiling womanhood down to reproduction.
Your words are harmful. Thanks for once again for further marginalizing those of us who cannot have kids, as if it’s been such a fucking rosy road all along.
Also, your kid’s body belongs to him now. Just not when he’s an adult.
I’m so sorry Kelly, that you felt harmed by reading what I’ve written. It’s never my intention to hurt other people with my words, and yet, I have also found that that’s often unavoidable, especially when writing about issues that are fraught, on all sides.
I am very aware that some women are unable to become pregnant for various reasons, and that many women choose not to become mothers. There are also men who cannot become biological fathers.
I consider myself very lucky, and I can only imagine how hard it would be to struggle with infertility.
Nonetheless, while some female mammals of all mammalian species are unable to become pregnant, only females can, and this is significant in humans, in my view, because it is our perceived reproductive capacity which is the basis of our oppression under patriarchy—and this includes women who are discriminated against because of infertility. All adult human females (I use the word “women”) have to contend with, consider, prevent, attempt, etc., pregnancy and birth. I see a distinction between what it means to “feel like a woman” and what it means to be female.
And I agree with you that my child’s body is his own—from birth, and always. I am also—and maybe to a tiny degree this represents a paradox– his legal guardian until he reaches adulthood. As such, I see it as my duty to do my best to keep him safe from harm, and also to gatekeep certain actions. This is both the law, and my conviction as a parent. For example, I am very much against the genital mutilation of infant girls and boys, and I will not permit my child[ren] to tattoo their bodies until they are adults, or to partake in drugs, or to engage in procedures that will modify their bodies barring a physiological medical condition that would require such modification for their survival .
Thanks for your comment, and I wish you the best.
At no point in this post did Yolande insinuate that females who can not (or choose not to) give birth are not truly female. I think you do know that. Being unable or unwilling to have children does not change the reality of female biology.
It’s constructs of gender that imprison girls in behaviour that is understood to be feminine and boys in behaviour that is understood to be masculine that is harmful. Children should be encouraged to break those boundaries to the extent that they want to do so. But there’s no reason to condemn them to harmful notions that gendered behaviour is the only behaviour that’s acceptable, nor to years of dangerous medical intervention. There are ways to handle real gender dysphoria – a minority of people suffer this – until adulthood when real decisions can be made about how to live this often painful reality. It’s downright dangerous to teach children that they might be “in the wrong body” if what they’re really doing is objecting to the ridiculous rigors of so-called male or female behaviour. What a tragedy for children if we teach them that girls can only look or feel or behave one way and boys something quite different. Centuries of harm have been done by these notions. Many trans people of my acquaintance would agree with you Yolande.
Kelly,
I’m glad you shared how you felt reading this post.
I hardly read this post as boiling womanhood down to reproductive capacity and mothering. Personally, I have never wanted to be a mother, known that all my life, and have to deal with people assuming I want children, and their reactions when I say I don’t. And then I have to explain, no, I really do love children, and I don’t think you’re a bad person for having children; children just aren’t for me. This is certainly a topic I’ve given a lot of thought, even though I’ve known since I was a child I would not be giving birth. Plus, I’m a lesbian, so reproductive health issues impact me a differently than heterosexual women.
Yet, in spite of these differences from the majority of women globally, I have still been impacted by my female body, including my reproductive capacity. And, while you have not shared details of your story, if you’re female you have had to go through a process to come to terms with your infertility. You know it’s not “the norm” for women to be unable to bear children, and the very fact that you feel like (or have felt like) less of a woman for your infertility shows that you have been deeply impacted by childbirth: in this case, you’re ability not to be able to reproduce. In other words, the exception proves the rule.
Women would be women, though, even if the majority of us chose not to give birth. See Elizabeth’s post.
Finally, how could Yolande be true to what she herself and express her beliefs without being hurtful? I’m asking this, because I see compassion radiating out of all Yolande’s posts and responses. People have different views; in my opinion, what matters is how we express these views, and our relationships with one another. As it is, many people who are critical of some aspects of trans genderism are deeply fearful of speaking out, because we’re told we’re hateful, bigoted, hurtful, and much, much worse. In some cases, trans activists have even called blogger’s employers to try to get them fired. My point is, trying to silence people with different views is all on a continuum.
If you’re child grows up in the society that we’re living in, what happens if they come home one day in their 20’s and are dressing feminine, have obtained breasts augmentation, and are asking you to refer to them as “she” and goes by a feminine name?
Would you respect your child’s autonomy and spirit by referring to them as their preferred name and pro-noun?
Because if not, you’re whole argument is invalid.
Also, the patriarchy dominated and developed the objectivism of the science you are using to explain your exclusionary feminism. Thanks for supporting misogyny ?
Hi Cassie,
It doesn’t seem like you read the article! That’s ok. The answer to your question, is yes, I will love my children whether or not they decide to adhere to gender stereotypes that dictate that if they feel a certain way, or desire certain adornments, that they must be the opposite sex, and seek surgery to confirm that belief. I will love my children no matter what. (And if this is the case for any of my children, pronouns and preferred names would be the least of my concerns).
And I respectfully disagree entirely with your idea of what constitutes patriarchy. It is my perspective that gender—the idea that certain articles of clothing and mannerisms are either male or female, and the corresponding theory of “brain-sex”—is the foundation of patriarchy and misogyny. Not the reality of biological sex and reproduction (which exists outside of human culture, for all mammals).
Thanks for your comment.
Excellent response. I take significant issue with “othering” (such as name calling, as in “TERF” or describing something as “TERF-Y”) for many reasons but the one which comes to mind here as it shuts down any kind of meaningful dialogue. You responded respectfully, logically, and empirically, and it was generous and courageous of you to share your own personal experience to illustrate your argument with respect to one’s relationship with one’s body and the difference between loving/supporting your child and loving/supporting your child’s choices. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this Wendy. I appreciate your supportive words.
I couldn’t agree more Wendy. I love this piece Yolande – it gives me hope for the conversation.
Fantastically well put, Wendy- I couldn’t agree more!
Thanks again for refusing to color within the lines currently set out for discussing gender and sex. Yes we are all gender fluid and yes the class “biological females” is oppressed in certain sex-specific ways. It is of no help to this planet to pretend otherwise. I hope all boys and girls can love their bodies whether they want to play with dolls or trucks, or wear a dress or pants, or love males or females when they grow older. There is such a strong link between self-hatred, patriarchy and cosmetic medical treatments – I wish we could all start loving ourselves and our bodies “as is”
Thank you so much for this. I appreciate your comment. Much love.
What a thoughtful, kind, and empathetic response to this person. I am always in awe of your way with words, Yo, and this post is no exception. Your children are so lucky to have you as their mom. Keep speaking the truth. <3
Thank you <3
This is wonderful, gentle and compassionate. To say there is anything misogynistic in this thoughtful piece, either means one has not really read the article and taken the time understand and reflect on it–or they simply do not comrehend the meaning of feminism or misogyny, not to mention biology.
I really took the message of compassionate self love to heart, as a mother and as someone who had also struggled for years with body issues, issues around food and had also considered breast implants seriously at one time. Thankfully, support from other wonderful feminists helped me to see things more critically and begin a journey of healing.
I have so much gratitude for courageous women such as yourself , for being an oasis, a beacon of light in this dark world (and web) for other women, despite the constant yelling, banging and racket from you know who 😉
Thank you.
Thank you so much for this heartfelt comment! Your kind words are very much appreciated <3
I came across your post via a mutual friend and I have to say it was such a breath of fresh air. I think your sweet boy is going to bloom beautifully in this world, and will likely love his body and his mother whether he’s wearing pearls and high heels, or flannels and boots. Or any combination thereof, really. He is quite lucky to live in a home where he can explore fully what makes him comfortable in his own skin, free of gender stereotypes that cause him discomfort when his sex and his gender don’t line up. He is also so lucky to have a role model who demonstrates free thinking dialogue with a factual and reasoned approach. Keep on keepin on, mama. He’s a lucky duck.
Aw, thank you so much. I’m just fumbling alone on this parenting journey like everyone else, and I’m quite sure that my kids will end up as messed up as we all are 🙂 but I’ll keep doing my best. I really appreciate your comment, take good care.
Sexual reproduction involves males and females, which are defined by their ability to produce sperm or eggs and have the corresponding reproductive systems. While some individuals have reproductive systems that don’t work well enough to accomplish these respective functions, or don’t for their entire adult lives, this makes these people no less male or female.
Being a man, or a woman, is a lived biological and sociocultural experience. While it might well be commendable in some ways for a relatively small segment of the population to challenge the sociocultural part in some manner, encouraging children to believe they need bodies that are facsimiles of the opposite sex because of their personalities, preferences or perceptions about themselves, dismisses how limiting and hazardous such medical interventions are.
I have been called a TERF, I have been threatened and wished dead, because I support doing everything possible to encourage people to be at peace with their bodies without interfering with their hormones or engaging in plastic surgery, and also because I support fighting gendered stereotyping of men and women while simultaneously acknowledging that our reproductive differences make us different in certain ways, but that it is wrong to invent stereotypical boxes for us and force us into them because of our personalities, preferences, and talents.
In the face of all this, I find it astounding that so many people believe it is somehow a good thing to pretend men and women are cultural artifacts, and castigate those of us who argue otherwise. The erasing of language is the silencing of discussion. “Are you now, or have you ever been, a radical feminist?” Will it come to that, shall we be called into Congress and forced to confess? We are already being blacklisted. We have never called for the silencing of genderists, we do not threaten. Yet we are considered the worst of the worst, for being independent, critical thinkers.
Thanks for a great article Yolande – very respectful and thoughtful. Your analysis is spot on. I worry about the trans ideology disappearing women and all that we are. Biological sex is different from gender and those who wish to take on the patriarchal notions of what it is to be a woman are only reproducing patriarchal oppression of women.
I am in awe. Both your wonderful, thoughtful piece and your considered and generous responses have left me feeling so thankful. In awe of your talents and thankful for the possibilities of this discourse, I will be sharing this as widely as possible. Thank you, Yolande.
Thank you, Masha. Your kind words are much appreciated, and thanks for sharing <3
Bravo! I’m not sure why biology has become offensive to so many people, but thank you for addressing the gender controversy with common sense and compassion. A male body should not deter a man from expressing himself as “femininely” as he desires.. It’s the societal conditioning of gender that is so oppressive, not biological facts. This new focus on gender is throwing our society back into a pre feminist era.
What I don’t understand is why one woman’s interaction with her child is such a bone of contention. There’s a comment unthread from a childless woman -I’m sorry (not sorry) but mothers aren’t here to be guilt tripped over your infertility. Also, you may not have been able to conceive /birth a child. But you do have a vulva, vagina and uterus.you are biologically female. Plenty of women chose not to have children -they’re still female.
I’m sorry (not sorry), I don’t have time to explain to my son all the different gender expressions that people who suffer from personality disorders have. If he wants a my little pony, he’s welcome to one -he’s still a male child.
Funny how trolls like to bully women into submission about how to change everything they say and do to cater to people who are personality disordered. You even create acronyms for women. It’s when you come offline and go back into the real work that you realise the majority of people are actually still sane, and don’t subscribe to all this personality disorder.
Nice article Yolande. My comment is in no way your opinion, just mine. But I would have responded in a less tolerate way to this insufferable idiot. So props to you for conducting yourself with such an articulate response.
Good for you. I try to raise my own sons to be accepting of people but also to be grounded in reality. Sex is a reality. Gender is not. It is social contructs and sexism and at this point more of a religion than anything resembling science. While I would have no problem if my boys grew up to be gay or in any way non-gender conforming, I would be sad if they hated their perfectly healthy bodies. I would be very sad if they chose to mutilate those bodies, and deeply disappointed if they used gender as an excuse to abuse women or invade female safe spaces. I sincerely hope that the entire next generation of boys learns to be respectful of women and learns that a dress does not make a woman, no matter who it is on, or how pretty they look in it. Gender Non Conforming males are men, and they should not be ashamed of that fact.
Hi Yolande,
Wanted to send some supportive words your way. I very much agree with your position and attitude and how you share that with your child.
I do not have children at the moment, but as one who grew up in a similar household with similar open positive views while I was going through my own gender and sexuality explorations I am very pleased that “gender reassignment” measures were not a common place thing back then. I am 40 now, and I have grown into a very happy and comfortable woman who is attracted to other women. I have also grown to appreciate my biology and was allowed to explore how I wanted to present myself to others as an individual. When I was very young I was somewhat disturbed by the expectations of gender conformity and pushed against it preferring most things that fit into very masculine categories. But holy cow am I happy my parents didn’t think that meant I needed to take hormones, have surgeries and sterilize myself in order to explore my individuality in a way that might be more comfortable for others just because they feel oogy about people who don’t fall into two perfect categories in our patriarchal control system..
Anyway, thank YOU for not conforming to present expectations and being loving open and intelligent with your own child. As one who grew up with similar questions about society and how I fit in, I hope I can show some support that teaching your son to love his body is definitely not a bad thing, and with open communication and support does not need to develop dysphorias and discomforts being himself in the world.
Sincerely,
Kirsten
Excellent, well reasoned and articulate article, Yolande. Please continue speaking truth to the thought police.
Thank you so much Chazz. Take care.