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Have you heard about RIE Parenting yet?  It’s the newest Hollywood craze!  I was bracing myself for another offensive and nonsensical list of parenting “dos” and “don’ts” but it turns out, that my approach to caring for my babies and toddlers over the past 14 years is surprisingly in line with what A-listers like Helen Hunt, Tobey Maguire and Penelope Cruz are up to with their kids.  Yay me!  (Deep sigh).
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RIE parenting stands for “Resources for Infant Educators” and is based on the 1970s philosophy of Magda Gerber, a child-development “expert”, and neurologist Tom Forrest.  The underlying approach is all about treating infants—from birth—as thinking individuals, respecting their needs, choices and boundaries, and allowing them to explore their world.  While I haven’t read any of the recently published books on RIE parenting (although I’m curious to check out the book “Baby Knows Best” by Deborah Carlisle Solomon), I have perused several online articles on the subject.  Considering that I have raised five babies without bottles, pacifiers, cribs, sippy-cups, baby-gates, walkers, bouncy chairs, exer-saucers, plastic toys, or tv, this stuff sounds like it’s almost right up my alley.  With only a few (albeit very important) exceptions, I agree with almost all of the following points that seem to underly the RIE philosophy:
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No Pacifiers: According to the RIE approach, pacifiers are a literal and metaphorical “plugging” of our babies’ self-expression, agency and communication.  While for many parents this will sound totally absurd, I completely agree.  I have never *ever* used a pacifier with any of my five babies, and I wouldn’t even consider it.  Pacifiers are, in my view, devices that totally undermine our children’s need for both nourishment and the important physical connection that is the breastfeeding relationship (so much more than just food).
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No Baby Swings:  Baby swings are passive devices that “hypnotize” children.  I totally agree!  I have never used any swinging, rocking or holding devices for my babies.  Babies belong in-arms, in my view, not off-loaded into a battery-operated machine.
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No Walkers:  They’re a “moving prison”.  I agree.  My babies have all learned to walk at ages ranging from 8.5 months (really—that was Treva, my tiniest baby), to one year.  I think it is very important to allow children to explore their environment at their own pace, and to develop without the aid of devices that limit experience.
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No “Baby-Talk”:  Babies are our intellectual equals.  They are, and I believe this in a very profound way.  I feel strongly that we underestimate our children’s understanding of language, as well as their overall ability to interpret emotions and energy.  I have never “baby-talked” my children, but rather have spoken to them from day-one as though they possess language, but not yet the skills to express it.  Although my intention is never to have my children develop “early”, I do think that my treatment of them as intelligent, aware beings has a lot to do with why all of my children have spoken so clearly at such a young age.
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No “Tummy Time”: Why put children in an awkward physical position before they are ready to take that position themselves?  I totally agree with this, and it seems that a critique of “tummy-time” is now finally emerging in the mainstream.  Even 14 years ago when my first son was born, I totally rejected the received wisdom that we should be turning our infants over into this position that most babies detest, in which they must crane their necks to look around, a clearly uncomfortable and sometimes-painful posture.  I don’t even know where the idea of “tummy-time” first surfaced, but I am of the mind that our babies will let us know what is best for them, if we pay attention.
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No Toys:  I couldn’t agree more.  There is absolutely no need to purchase any items “designed” for an infant’s entertainment.  These are almost exclusively useless, expensive plastic objects created for the benefit of corporations who absorb multi-million dollar profits from the absolutely mistaken idea that babies require such things.  My kids play with spoons, pots, pans, lids, sticks, rocks, and other free, and readily accessible items in our home and from nature.  That said, I am over the obsession that I had as a first-time mother, that if my child even came into contact with plastic, he would be harmed and corrupted.  We can all relax a little bit.
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No Tickling:  Yes.  Tickling can be painful, and is often done disrespectfully, by adults who are, essentially, “using” children for their own entertainment. No, not all the time, and yes, there are some kids who love to be gently tickled, to a point, and I definitely cuddle and play with my kids, kissing their bellies while they giggle.  But I remember, myself, really hating being outright tickled, and feeling confused about it—the adults who tickled me were important to me, and I loved them, and *they* seemed to be having fun. But I didn’t like it.  I don’t tickle my kids, and any gentle teasing that I engage in stops the very *moment* that they become disgruntled, hurt, or irritated.  Respect your kids.
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Experiences Should Be Narrated:  I absolutely agree, and I think this is *such* an important point that isn’t discussed enough in the overall cultural conversation on parenting practices.  From the moment my children are born, I talk to them, continuously, explaining everything that is going on.  In the first few days after birth, I chat to them about their birth, their long journey, their siblings, and how our family works.  With every change in activity, they have my voice, guiding them, and telling them the story of what we’re doing: “You sound hungry sweet little one, here we go, we’re going to nurse now, here’s the nipple, here you go, etc.”  When we start using diapers (my babies are diaper-free much of the time, but not always), they hear “We’re going to change your little diaper now sweetheart, here we go, now I’m just about to wipe your little bum, it’s going to be nice and warm, here you go, oh that probably feels a lot better!  Now we’ll put a dry diaper on” etc.  My children understand all of this, and this continuous narration goes a long way to ensuring a sense of security and comfort, and towards alleviating crying, upset, and confusion—as well as setting the groundwork for language and communication in later months, and for a lifetime.
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No Rushing To Soothe A Crying Baby:  This is a tricky one.  My babies don’t really spend a lot of time crying—and as I have discussed so many times before, I think that their peaceful birth experiences have a large bearing on this.  I also anticipate their needs at a young age, (while talking to them all about it all), and I find that they are, early on, able to communicate to me what they are looking for without any issue.  But when they are, on occasion, upset, I do go to them immediately.  But I don’t immediately stick a nipple in their mouth, or give them a cookie, or “solve” the problem without first asking them, or deciphering, what is wrong.  And even with my really young babies, I take just a second or two to calm them, even a little bit, before offering them my breast.
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Acknowledgement, not Praise:  Children don’t need to be exclaimed over, they need to be seen.  I agree, completely.  We are teaching Felix to pee in the pot lately, and when he pees where we are encouraging him to, we smile and say “You peed in the potty.  That’s how we do it.”  Elimination is a simple function of being human, and he doesn’t need to be congratulated, he just needs to know that we get it, and we get that he gets it.  Acknowledgement vs. praise.  I think that the real distinction here though, is authenticity.  Jumping up and down and getting all excited when our kids do something that is simply a normal part of a human being’s repertoire is, for me, and in many cases, inauthentic.  However, there *will* be situations where we, as parents, are really genuinely thrilled for our kids.  In no way do I want to suggest that we should be sublimating any real sense of excitement when it comes to exceptional situations.
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No Slings, Wraps, or Carriers:  I could not disagree more with this!  I profoundly believe that infants not only love to be carried, but need to be attached to their mother’s bodies for the first 6 months of their lives, before they start to crawl and creep on their own.  Being carried is not only baby’s source of comfort, but also food, and, frankly biological survival.  Infants are not born walking, they are born with a physiological need to be close to their mother’s breasts, heart, their source of life.
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These points, in a nutshell, seem to be the backbone of the RIE approach.  My conclusion is one of overall confusion, to be frank.  So much of this makes so much sense to me…and then there are these gaping holes in its rationale, like the opposition to an infant’s need to be in-arms.  What do you think? (Yes, I do *absolutely* need to actually delve into the literature in order to really speak with any authority on the subject!)
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All in all, at this point in my parenting journey, I feel the same distaste towards parenting “philosophies” as I do towards much of organized religion… I can’t stomach the dogma.  Every child is different, every family is different, every situation is unique.  What I *am* sure of, is that I have compromised in most areas of my life and as a parent, and I’m totally ok with that. The risk with any parenting “philosophy”, I think, is that because parents have been stripped of their agency for so long by the rise of the parenting “expert”, and because our intuitive sense of how to relate to our children has been eroded so effectively by industry and the manufacturing of necessity when it comes to the various forms of expensive equipment, toys and devices designed to replace mothering, I am concerned that parents may become overly attached to any kind of dogmatic approach (be it “attachment” parenting, or RIE or, god forbid, Ferberizing).  Anyway.  Continue doing your best, mothers.  We all turn out just fine, and highly messed up 🙂  Have fun, enjoy your kids, do what you can, love them up.