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In the lead-up to Christmas and the toy-crazy time that the holidays can tend to be, I have been thinking about the influence that objects, images and various forms of media have on our children.  And as usual, I think a lot about the ways in which we transmit our values as parents, to our kids, through the family culture we create.

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A few days ago, I posted what I thought was an innocuous, possibly humorous and frankly rhetorical post on Facebook:  “I don’t want my children exposed to Barbie dolls.  Do I really have to explain why?”
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Wow.  The outpouring of outrage from those who sought to defend Barbie or popular culture in general, floored me.  I truly had no idea that my stance on Barbie would be even remotely controversial!
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The real answer to this question is, of course, No, or “Because I am the parent” or “Because I find it offensive to have to step over tiny little naked, anatomically absurd, totems of our pornified fashion culture, littered around the floor of my home”, or “Because I’m the Mum.”
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Among the arguments in Barbie’s favour, or the suggestions for how I may be impacting my children included:
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* I loved Barbie, played with her all the time, and I’m just fine. Barbie did no harm.  (Not that I disagree, but “harm” is highly subjective!)
* I loved Barbie, and she never had a negative influence on me.  My eating disorder was the result of fashion magazines, but not Barbie. (ok)
* Barbie is an important tool for learning about sexuality, and the way that women are portrayed in our culture.
* My parents restricted all kinds of culture, and I still haven’t recovered from the trauma that this caused.
* Children need to be exposed to all aspects of popular culture so that they can grow up speaking the language of their peers.
* Young people these days are cool, interesting and “all right”.  (What is your problem, Yolande?)
* You (Yolande) are keeping your children in a bubble.  It’s unhealthy, they will rebel as soon as they can.
* You (Yolande) are creating a dangerously segregated atmosphere for your children, and they may end up falling off the rails in a major way when they’re older (jail–well probably not jail, but maybe).
* You (Yolande) are a control-freak.
* You (Yolande) clearly have a rigid, hard-line ideological ethical standpoint and you are damaging your kids.
* You (Yolande) have not thought these issue through (i.e.: as evidenced by your opinion which is WRONG).
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Along with the passionate public defence of Barbie, I have been inundated with personal messages from people who have shared anecdotes about how they too tried to “restrict” their children, and all their kids wanted was that thing they “weren’t allowed to have”.  I also received kind notes from people who exhorted me not to flip out or overreact if I end up finding Barbies hidden around my house, by my poor deprived children who will be on a permanent mission to seek out exactly that which I am so obsessively preventing them from acquiring.

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My goodness.  Perhaps I have given the erroneous impression that I go around the world, sanitizing every room before my children enter, blindfolding them while we walk by the toy aisle at the grocery store, and telling them exactly what to see, think, do, feel and interact with.  La la la.  Sigh.  Not so.
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In any case, I did read these differing viewpoints with great interest, and, I thought, respect for the variety of opinions.  And yet, I remain unmoved.  (This really seemed to upsetting for some).  In fact, the discussion got a little bit nasty, and I spent a day feeling quite sorry for myself, which involved lots of tears and it was all quite pathetic.
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I am very clear on the way I want to parent my children.  This clarity and confidence is often interpreted as arrogance, or condescension, or prejudice.  It seems that a lack of mother-guilt can be threatening for some.  I have not, and could not ever claim to know what is best for you.  I only know myself.  When someone feels personally judged by something I have said or written, I recognize that this is none of my business.  But it can also be a sign that I am not articulating myself very well, and I can (and will) work on that.  But I am also comforted by the fact that those who know, tolerate and love me, appreciate that I am a very flawed, open, accepting, understanding and loving person.  Mothering is tough.  But I guess I don’t really think it’s as tough as we are led so often to believe, by pundits, “experts” and our corporate culture that is in the business of selling insecurity, self-hatred, and confusion.
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I think it behooves all of us to think carefully about judgment, and to consider that there is a huge distinction between judging an individual person for who they are, how they live, or how they parent their children, vs. judging a cultural practice, a piece of artwork, a tool, a technology, or a parenting approach.  The latter is discernment, which is an essential part of simply navigating the world.  Discernment is part of being human, and has been unavoidable through every time and place.   Perhaps now however, in 2013, discernment is even more important, and complex.  There are so many choices.  And with every choice we make, a door is closed and another opens.  As a parent, I make judgments constantly about the foods I buy for my kids, the toys they play with, the media they are exposed to, etc.  So do you.  We may have different standards.  It is not dismissive or patronizing for one person to express their values or preferences, or even to state, unequivocally, that these values or preferences are “best” for them.
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I think it is entirely possible to appreciate and understand the impetus for equality and plurality behind cultural relativism, while also judging and discerning for oneself, that which is good, or bad, or right or wrong, or valuable or invaluable. The idea of objective value is very difficult for me to swallow.  Personal values however, are essential–and greatly so as a parent.  The idea that we can raise our children with an entirely neutral, non-preferential stance, refusing to privilege one form of culture or media or expression over another is, I think, impossible, preposterous and frankly incoherent.  A refusal to comment is a comment in itself.  My children know exactly where I stand, they know my opinion, they understand the boundaries of my home (yes, *my* home), and they also know, profoundly I think, even at this young age, that I welcome discussion, argument, dissent, and disagreement.  There is lots of give, and there are, just a few, limits.  And of course, things will change when they get older.  For now, I am the gatekeeper, and I take that role seriously, while at the same time, giving my children, arguably more room to maneuver than do a lot of other parents.
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The fact that I have judged refined sugar, for example, to be damaging to the immune and neurological systems, and generally unhealthy, does not mean that I think you’re a bad person or a bad parent for feeding your kids chocolate chip cookies after school. I have simply made what I think is the best choice for my family.  As we all do.  Some people become enraged and defensive when hearing facts and opinions about refined sugar, as though an observation of the down-sides of the substance is a criticism of their personal choice.  And even though we don’t have cookies at my house, if we happen to drop by and you’re serving cookies at the time, I’m not going to snatch them out of my child’s sweaty palm, and go on a tirade.  We’ll partake.  (Things get trickier if you’re a close friend or family, and you gleefully or passive-aggressively mess with what you know to be my preference.  You may find we don’t drop by that much.  Sensitivity and respect runs both ways).
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I have judged the public school system, for many reasons, to be a less-than-optimal way for my children to be educated.  This does not mean that i think the majority of parents who send their children to public school are incompetent or misguided.  And I assume that you send your kids to public school, because you think it’s best for your kids, your life, and your reality.
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The judgements and distinctions that I make as a parent, based on what I think is optimal for my children, are *not* a reflection on what I think of you.
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Every parent–I hope–looks around the block, and the world, and takes note of what other parents are doing.  Not so that we can feel superior, or guilty, (although of course, sometimes this does occur) but because we all base our actions and decisions, to some degree, on the results that we see around us.  And yet no matter what, it’s a shot in the dark.  Our children are the product of infinite influences, parents being only one small piece.  One could argue that therefore it doesn’t  really matter what we do as mothers and fathers, or how we live, or the culture and values we express in our homes.  I don’t subscribe to this view.  I feel strongly that *because* our children will inevitably be exposed to such a variety of influences; media, attitudes, perspectives, images, ideas–and because I think this is a wonderful thing–it is even more important for me to create and to express a strong culture in our home.

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Culture is not morality.  And yet I do believe that culture can have moral implications.  The fact that I don’t want Barbie or video games in my home is not a moral judgment against these items, and it is certainly not a moral judgement against those who partake.  It is an expression of value, and of my values, and that is different than morality.  I would never draw a false correlation or assign specific cause for why women and men continue to be mired in sexualized and gendered abuse scenarios, or why discrimination against people for their sexuality and their bodies continues, unabated.  I cannot (and don’t) blame the sexualization of children or the infantilization of women on Barbie. But because we can’t explain these disturbing phenomena in our culture, or isolate the root or cause, we also cannot entirely absolve cultural icons like Barbie, or the world of fashion which so many seem to feel dictates to, or at least influences many of us, on how women and men interpret their bodies and sexuality.  I think it is *all* connected.  Similarly, there are certainly some studies that support the idea that perhaps the graphic simulation of violence found in certain video games can lead to a dangerous desensitization or adverse outcomes, but I would never suggest that there is a causal link between gaming and violent acts.  Conversely, I cannot help but reject the idea that an immersion in a graphic pretence of murder, destruction, maiming and assault for hours and hours on end, is nothing. I am no neuroscientist, but on an extremely simplistic level, video-gaming is brain-space, and brain-power being taken up on what at best, is, in my view, a complete waste of time.  We have a finite number of hours before we die.  I fully admit to hoping that my children spend their time on what I would define as more productive pursuits.  And sure, Barbie can be a great way to comment on, and critique, aspects of our culture.  Look at my fabulous portrait, above.  But even though many women for example, engage with porn culture in a way that feels powerful for them, (not my own perspective or experience, but nonetheless, valid) I am still going to “protect” my little children from many of these influences and images for a good long time. And when they are much much older–adults–they will come across it themselves. And I hope that at that point, some of my personal and political views on the subject will have made an impression. And then they will do what they will.
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I realize that flexibility is paramount as a mother, and that some of my ideas may shift and change. I realize above all, that my kids are individuals.  I don’t actually have *any* expectations or aspirations for who they might turn out to be, except my hope that they become happy, secure adults. And yet, like all parents I do have values, and standards, and boundaries.  Some of these are firm.  Some of these are changeable.  Nothing in life is hard and fast.

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As did my own mother when I was growing up, I actually really only have a few firm boundaries (yes, including Barbie and video games), and no “rules”.  My children have already come across Barbie.  We have had several conversations about her.  They know I don’t want her statuettes in the house, and they know why.  I am totally open with my kids about the reality of the world and the society in which we live.  They have encountered Barbie at other people’s homes–vagina-less with legs splayed, pneumatic nipple-less breasts aimed at the ceiling, toes pointed, in her constant state of near-starvation, smiling wide-eyed and perfectly made-up forever….we have talked about Barbie at length, and they know that it’s not a toy that I will have in my home–and the same goes for video games, toy guns, porn, and fashion magazines (which, when I myself succumb to temptation, are kept well away from my kids–because I just don’t think they’re appropriate). They also know that I don’t like plastic toys very much, but we have lots of those anyway, like everyone else.
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Lee and I both cultivate a rich foundation of culture in our home–both supposedly “high” and “low”.  And there are areas of ambivalence, which depend on time and place, and which will shift as my kids grow older.   Then there are certain *realities* about being my child, that my own kids already know and understand.  These are not “rules”.  I don’t really have any “rules” at all. There is just the reality of our family.  And in our family, we don’t have Barbie dolls.  We don’t have video games.  We don’t have toy guns. I don’t anticipate there being any objections to this, just as there were no objections in my mother’s house, with a similar foundation.  I was welcome to read every book I came across–and sometimes my parents voiced their differing opinion or vague and mild protestations when it came to some of my reading material, knowing that I made my own reading choices in the end, and that was fine.  But Barbies weren’t around.  I think I may have asked for a Barbie at one point. And the answer was no.  Not a dramatic No, or a hysterical No, or a threatened or anxious No, just “No, I don’t think so, I don’t really want those kinds of dolls in the house”.  Cue in-depth, intelligent conversation.  It was not a problem.

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I fully admit that my “rules” (if we must use that limiting and inaccurate term) prohibiting Barbies, video games, porn and toy guns have as much to do with my own personal preferences for how I want to live, than any specific concerns I might have (even to a small degree) about these things corrupting my children in a measurable way.  I don’t want to see those objects in my house, or to have to be exposed–myself–to the atmosphere that they create.  I think it’s positive for my children to see *my* self-respect in the openness with which I define my own life, and that this, in fact, is a form of respect for them.
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I sensed from many of the responses that I received, that my views are perhaps seen as a combination of sweetly idealistic, unrealistic and overbearing, as well as just totally naive.  I have been told outright by several people that my “rules” around video games just simply “won’t work” and that “you’ll see, you’ll have to back down” etc.  I think this speaks strongly to the extent to which “popular” culture–the culture of materialism, body-shaming, violence, etc. (yes I’m generalizing)–has becoming so utterly normalized that even a comment about not having Barbie dolls in my home is met with surprisingly vociferous disagreement.  I don’t buy that Barbie, toxic foods, the institutionalization of children, education, bodies and play are “normal” or inevitable, or that as a parent wanting to filter that, even simply in my own home, I am somehow wading into extremist territory or that I am trying to dominate my kids or thwart their “normal” development.  Nor do I buy that teenaged rebellion is a necessary or inevitable or normal part of the trajectory of reaching adulthood.  Rebellion is assumed, and yet I strongly believe that it is a by-product of a culture in which dependency, materialism, and disconnection are perpetuated by many cultural influences.  The unstoppable pressure that many parents feel, to conform to their children’s desire for the symbols of the dominant popular paradigm is not an inevitability.  It is, to some extent, a choice.  And that choice must *first* be made by parents–parents of young children, like my kids are now.
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I am in touch with many parents of children who have been and who are being, educated differently, and brought up differently than what is considered “normal”.  Rather than suffering in isolation, most of these children and young adults are unusually articulate, engaged, productive and passionate.  More so, frankly, than many of the young people I observe coming out of the mainstream system.  This is not a given, and it’s not across the board.  It’s simply my general observation. There are outliers in every area.
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I have no intention whatsoever of limiting my children’s experiences, or of raising them in a bubble, or of preventing them from encountering challenging ideas. On the contrary.  In choosing to homeschool my kids, I am conscious that my children’s peer influences will be different than the peer influences of children who are in school: modulated, diluted, different.  And this is a choice that I am making for specific reasons, also.  This isn’t segregation. This is an opportunity for a variety of life events that I think, are possibly more expansive than they would receive, stuck in public school for an entire childhood.
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I don’t have any objection whatsoever to the idea that my kids may grow up *not* speaking the “language” of their peers.  If that language is transmitted or communicated via video game violence or sexualized toys like Barbie, (and I have been confronted with evidence to suggest that to a degree this is the case), then I have every hope that my children will become the oppositional, articulate, anarchistic, anachronistic social freaks that I was (am).  Or not!  I will be equally happy if they grow up to be contented, secure, garbage collectors, or grocery store clerks, or accountants, or artists.  I think that the benefits of  missing out on some aspects of pop culture, or of not sharing a common language with peers who are watching Miley Cyrus or playing Grand Theft Auto are wildly underestimated.  “The kids are all right”.  Well, sure.  Some of them are, some of them aren’t.  What is it to “be all right”?. I suppose we all must define that for ourselves.  It is very strange to me that wanting my kids to be more than “all right”, wanting them to achieve the standards that they establish for themselves, and sincerely attempting, as a parent, to create the conditions in which that will be most possible, is seen as so weird, unattainable, lofty.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with imparting to one’s kids that creating art, fighting against injustice, working hard and engaging with community, is, yes, “better” than a lot of the other things we might be doing with our time.
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I understand nuance.   I’m not heavy-handed about any of this.  I think that the best way to “lead” as a parent, is to be an interesting and exciting influence on my kids–to inspire their trust and admiration.   I think that it is entirely possible to (gasp!) to raise one’s kids in such a way that they grow up *wanting* to be like their parents.  I admire my own mother greatly, and I aspire to be like  her in many ways.  And the rifts that we experienced in our relationship, I very much attribute to the negative influence of having been institutionalized for so many years in the school system–not her efforts to mitigate the often-detrimental “culture” that that institutionalization encompassed and expressed.  I will admit that I am expecting my kids to like me.  Why not have that expectation?  I wonder why so many people seem to be scrambling to disabuse me of the notion that my kids might grow up to share my values?  I wonder why so many people seem to be rushing to tell me that I’m going to have to get used to my kids lurching out of their rooms for a junk-food break before they head back in to play more World of War on their PSSegaNintendo3000 ?  It is not a prediction for me to assert that that won’t be happening.  But sure, they might be doing that in their own apartments.  And it would make me sad.
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Anyway.  Barbie. It really doesn’t matter. If Horus receives a Barbie doll for Christmas from some well-meaning relative, my reaction will be exactly the same as it is whenever the kids are gifted toys that I don’t particularly like.  A genuine “Thank you”, and an enthusiastic play session at the time of receipt.  And then the next day, or a week or so later, when I come across the object discarded on the floor, Barbie will become conveniently lost forever.  But I just don’t think it will be a big issue.
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I have thought extensively about all of this, and about all the choices I am making, because I love my children.  I don’t doubt that I will screw my kids up.  Perhaps my own parents screwed me up to such a radical and complete extent–by restricting Barbies, video games, and television, among other brainwashing tactics–that I don’t even *know* how truly messed up I am, and I live in a perpetual state of denial, which must explain my confidence, and my strong sense of knowing exactly who I am (misplaced, surely), and why I’m not in therapy (even though so many likely think I should be.  Ignorance is bliss.  Maybe I’ll end up stifling my own children’s true sense of self-hatred and they will also find themselves, as adults, functioning under the delusion that they too are relatively intelligent, secure, imperfect, creative and happy people.
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Stay tuned to find out, I guess.